Who do you say that I am?

This morning's reading was Matthew 16. I quickly came across these verses, which were mentioned in the theology course we were following last night:
"When Jesus arrived in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?”
They replied, “Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”

He pressed them, “And how about you? Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter said, “You’re the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn’t get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out."

I thought, of course, of the great list of I AM statements: the YOU ARE statements that it would be good for me to remember when I wake in the morning, when I wake up to God in the middle of the busy work day, when I wake up to quietness in the evening.

But then I noticed that Jesus tells Peter who HE is. And I had a sudden longing for Jesus to tell ME who I am, Who I really am.

(Actually, I know He HAS already. I am God's special treasure, bought with a price, known inside and out...I just need to remind myself..)

Back to basics

This is the thing.

As I read blogs and tussle with myself, digging myself out of the dark hole I have stumbled into, I keep on rediscovering old truths.

God loves me.
I am inherently sinful.
God still loves me anyway.
God doesn't just love me - he is crazy mad about me.
God is immense and immanent - this is beyond my understanding, but he is simultaneously Creator of stars whose energy I cannot begin to fathom and is also closer to me than my own skin. God is outside of time and space and ....

Psalm 18:20 - 28 holds a special truth for me this week.

The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of theLord;
I am not guilty of turningfrom my God.
All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

And I look at this and I wonder how it can be true.  Commentaries such as Barnes say: "The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness - That is, he saw that I did not deserve the treatment which I received from my enemies, and therefore he interposed to save me. Compare the note at Psalm 17:3.
According to the cleanness of my hands - So far as my fellow-men are concerned. I have done them no wrong."

And yes, I get that. If my conscience is CLEAR BEFORE GOD - not before the Accuser or my own self-doubt, mistress that I am of Second-guessing and the What-ifs - then I know that my relationship with God is right.

But my conscience is not always clear. I am sinful by nature.
Psalm 51:5 says:  Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

And this is true.

But this is also true: because of Jesus, I am made clean. Because Jesus died in my place, took my punishment, I have not been dealt with according to my (un)righteousness. 

I can stand blameless before God.

By my conscience is not clear. And so, as I go back to basics, I realise anew that my conscience will indeed not be clear because I am sinful by nature. And because God has forgiven me and will forgive me every time I turn to Him in sorrow for my sins and mistakes, I do not need to beat myself up more than is necessary to bring me to my knees in confession. 

This is me. Sinning, sinful, blundering through life, making mistakes, offending others...ME. AND I AM A PRECIOUS DAUGHTER OF GOD, MUCH-LOVED, BEAUTIFUL IN HIS EYES, LOVED AND FORGIVEN OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Aaaah.

This is what Kirsten Strong Chasing Blue Skies says: the verses from Isaiah have always been encouraging, even more so at the moment. Last week, at Spring Harvest, we studied them again, too.

"Sometimes a new beginning soars on wings of glorious success. Sometimes it takes off and crashes, leaving you flat out laid out. And when that happens, I want to tear out of there and scurry my red-faced self off to safety rather than shake the embarrassment off my skin and out of my hair.

Tearing away tempts, but trying again trusts. 

I try again because I’m already hidden in Christ, so there’s no need to hide anywhere else.

I try again because God is the generous giver of fresh starts, and grabbing one means I accept that my rocky start is a bump in the story, not the end of it.

Trying again is knowing hope always moves toward the surface, anxious to comfort and hold you. 

So, for all those facing a new beginning this season – especially those whose new beginning took a tumble - I offer you this prayer from God’s heart to your own. May it remind you that even the most fledgling of starts can turn into your favorite stories.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I stepped out to make a place for myself, and I tripped up rather than took off. I feel embarrassed, nervous, worn out and just plain tried out. I know You understand, and because of You, this stumbling block to my new beginning is only a part of my story rather than the end of it.

Where would any of us be without Your daily (hourly?) offerings of fresh starts? A splayed-out mess at the bottom of the stairs, that’s where. Thank You for giving me a fresh start right here, right now. Thank You for showing me that walking in Your will is walking in success. Thank You for giving me a sure identity in You, not in outcomes.

When I contemplate retreating, let me retreat in Your love. When I think about running, let me run confidently forward in the abundant gifts You’ve tailor-made specifically for me. Give me the ability to see how my decisions today affect the story of my future. When I flip through the memory books of my life, may I see plenty evidence of taking Your hand and walking courageously in Your plans for me. Along the way, may I learn the art of taking myself less seriously. And thank You that no matter if I fly or fall, You make every story good.

And You end every story well.

In the name of Jesus, the One Who is head over heels in love with me,
Amen

Am I trying to win the approval of men–or of God?

It’s January – and in the post-Christmas melee of an end to festivities, departure of my children back to their grown-up, independent, far from home lives and start of a new term, so back to work – I am struggling a little. So ‘little’ things become ‘bigger’ than they would do normally. In particular, a strained relationship. A once-close friend now seems distant – she has enthusiasms, so perhaps her enthusiasm for me has waned. Or perhaps I’ve done something to unwittingly offend her. Or perhaps it’s just that she’s going through the menopause. Or perhaps I’m just imagining it, and busyness is the reason that my overtures of friendship are being declined. I know I should perhaps clear the air, but then fear that, if there is nothing the matter, I will have made Everest out of a pimple, which will then cause more problems…(my friend has other strained and difficult relationships, so I don’t want to put myself straight into that category with an untimely word). So I wait. And pray.
And then I thought of this verse from Galatians 1:10:Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is in the context of Paul speaking out the truth of the Gospel, but it got me thinking. Who am I trying to please?
In grieving over this strained relationship, I realised my energies were going into pleasing myself. It doesn’t feel comfortable – I just want to be back on easy terms again. Instead, to please God, I need to do several things.
1. I need to love my friend. I need to keep on reaching out in support and friendship ‘as if’ nothing was wrong.
2. I need to confess any hurt I feel, bringing it to God. I am guilty of thinking more of myself and my feelings than of her.
3. I need to focus on doing what pleases God. If it is to speak truth, then I am to speak truth. If it is to do something good, then I must do that. I need to fix my eyes, not on the strained relationship, but on Jesus.
So I pray for patience, perseverance, courage and above all love. For love covers over a multitude of sins. Especially mine.

Broken Relationships

I was pondering the problem of broken or strained relationships recently, and how, though Christian blogs are tremendously encouraging on personal development, inner spiritual life, and so one, I haven’t come across much help on what to do about Relationships.  And I’m not talking dating, either. No, just the difficulties with family, friends, colleagues, the neighbours… don’t tell me you don’t have problems, because we all do. I know it’s not just me.  And I think there are several reasons for that.
One is that if we live authentically, showing the ‘real me’ rather than the ‘polite’ one, then sooner or later someone is going to object to some aspect of that ‘real me’ – and possibly, even the ‘polite’ me too: there is no pleasing all of the people all of the time. Then the problems start.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to fix those. Because I can do all the ‘right’ things: like ignoring the problem and waiting for the difficulties to blow over. That works sometimes, others it doesn’t. Or I can try to gently confront the issue – wow, do some folks get upset!  For all kinds of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.  Or can I eat humble pie – and that can either solve the problem beautifully or lay the foundation for a road full of trouble.  It’s really difficult, because, in relationships, there is no ‘whoops, that approach didn’t work, let’s try another one’. At least,  of course you have to do that, but you also have to fix the problem that was created by the ‘wrong’ approach, and then the new approach might not work either, and then…. well, the potential for trouble is exponential.
So I realised that, ultimately, it’s all down to me and my attitude. I need to know who I am in Christ, beloved, secure. Trust  in Christ’s ability to bring healing into the situation. And let the other be whoever they are. I can’t demand a particular response. I can only do what I believe to be best, but I am not responsible for their attitudes or behaviour.
Hmmm. I might need to put that up in LARGE letters on my fridge.