Relationships: accepting responsibility, accepting oneself, accepting circumstances....

Reading an excellent post by Jennifer Dukes Lee on when relationships turn toxic, I was confronted with some difficult questions. As she talks about three possible responses when relationships turn sour, my heart floods with unwelcome thoughts.

She says: "...even now, there are times when I feel thirteen on the inside, standing outside the door. Even now, I occasionally struggle with relationships that move from good to bad.

I’m learning that in situations like these, I need to pause and take a sober assessment of my choices before I move forward. Imagine those choices as three wooden doors, marked with signs that read: Toward, Onward, Inward."

Toward. "When we open the Toward Door, we “move toward” the person. We’ve determined that the relationship has value and we will attempt to restore it, pinpoint the problem, admit our own shortcomings, offer grace where needed, and grow in the process. While opening this door can be painful, the Toward Door gives us an opportunity to show compassion, and perhaps open a path toward the healing of another soul."

Indeed. This approach declares the value of the relationship, offers the other a chance of restoration, gives the gift of affirmation. It is hard and painful but offers acceptance, not rejection. Lisa-Jo Baker has written a book called 'Never Unfriended', referring to the easy way we can close off relationships on social media with the swipe of a finger.

Now Holley Gerth has also brought out a book on how to Live Fully, Love Bravely. And, well, I've only read the first chapter, where she talks so beautifully about being vulnerable (oh, what a buzz word, @BreneBrown!) in moving towards restoring a broken relationship... and how difficult yet positive this is when we dare to be brave.... I love it, subscribe wholeheartedly to it, and yet....

My questions: What happens if the other person is determined not to pursue relationship? What happens if THEY decide to cut me off? How will I feel? How will I handle the termination of a friendship which I had considered valuable enough to risk myself for? How do I accept that the other person does not consider ME valuable enough to restore relationship with...?

I haven't read the book. Perhaps I need to....

Then there is Onward. Relinquishing a relationship which has become toxic and unsafe. 

1 Corinthians 15:33 quotes a Greek poet who says:  “Bad company corrupts good character.” An encouragement, perhaps, to move away from a relationship which will cause me harm, hinder my walk with God and cause me more anguish than have a positive effect on my life.

But my questions: What if I am someone who has become toxic to a friend, perhaps - often - because of their own insecurity or low self-esteem? How do I handle the rejection inherent in a relationship which has gone awry? How do I accept the effect I have had on other people without it damaging my own soul? Do I have the courage to face up to and accept my own responsibility in the relationship?

And finally: Inward. Jennifer says: "We turn inward, allowing difficult people to linger on the forefront or fringes of our minds, long after they’ve moved on. I’ve walked through the Inward Door in the past, and I know firsthand how it made me spiritually sick to constantly replay conversations and nurse old wounds.
Introspection is helpful, but if you walk through the Inward Door, don’t stay here too long. If you stay inside the Inward Door, a wise mentor once told me, “You let people live rent-free in your head.”

And my questions: How do I stop this happening? How can I move my thoughts on, leave the relationship and move on, away from the hurt and pain? Do I know what I have to learn from this? Even if it is just to trust God more and people less: how do I do that? 

There we are. A great tool - thanks, Jennifer.  And some good questions. Lots of thinking to do....

Unity.Love.Grace,

This chapter is about unity - and it is Paul who initiated the discussions, going to Jerusalem in response to God telling him, to meet with the apostles and make sure he was on the right track.

Amazing. He'd been 14 years on his own already, doing his own 'following God' thing.  He was welcomed, included, supported ..."I met privately with those considered to be leaders of the church and shared with them the message I had been preaching to the Gentiles. I wanted to make sure that we were in agreement, for fear that all my efforts had been wasted and I was running the race for nothing. And they supported me....James, Peter, and John, who were known as pillars of the church, recognized the gift God had given me, and they accepted Barnabas and me as their co-workers. They encouraged us to keep preaching to the Gentiles, while they continued their work with the Jews.  Their only suggestion was that we keep on helping the poor, which I have always been eager to do."

And yet... the very next thing we find is that Paul confronted Peter, accusing him of doing wrong by no longer eating with the Gentiles. Peter had begun to draw back and separate himself from the non-Jews because he was worried about what the Jews would say: Paul brought this into the open and told Peter openly that he was a hypocrite and wrong to do so.

Oh, to have the courage to tell someone face to face that they are wrong. To risk the anger and condemnation and ridicule that would surely come my way. I have been on the receiving end of it, of course - and am very good at accepting blame, even when something I have done has not been intended, has been taken the wrong way or perhaps I haven't even done wrong at all - it has just been 'different'.

(That sounds like another topic altogether: 'different' doesn't necessarily mean 'wrong'.  Can we not just accept our differences?)

Galatians 2:16 "Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law." This is a reminder that the one thing I NEED is to be in right relationship with Jesus: it's not about just DOING stuff, it's about who I am with him.  It's like my marriage: I can DO all the right things to invest in my marriage - serving my husband, spending time with him - but if our relationship is not right, then we do not communicate well and we do not feel 'right' with each other.


But, actually, if I know the truth of THIS; "I have been nailed to the cross with Christ. 20 I have died, but Christ lives in me. And I now live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave his life for me.21 I don’t turn my back on God’s undeserved kindness." (v19 - 21)  then I can live a life of love given freely: for I was enslaved by sin and have been SET FREE!

I can be generous, even when I feel grudging.
I can give the benefit of the doubt, even when I want to gain revenge.
I can love without expectation, even when I expect loving.

I CAN. Because HE DID. He died. For me. End.of.story.

Becoming

Fascinating post from Andy Stanley on relationships.

"If God created and gave us the capacity for satisfying relationships, it’s reasonable to assume God knows a thing or two about how to prepare for and operate one. Ever purchase something from a big box retailer and open the box to find a card that reads something along these lines? If this product is defective or a piece is missing, do not return to the place of purchase. Instead, contact us at 1-800-ITS-YOURFAULT. The reason the manufacturer would prefer you call them first is because they are the manufacturer. They know more than the retailer about their product. Way more. They also know operator error is more likely to blame than a manufacturing defect. So they would prefer that you call before you return.

Relationally speaking, when a relationship isn’t working properly, it’s tempting to go stand in the return line rather than check with the manufacturer. That’s unfortunate. It explains why relational history has a way of repeating itself."

Am I trying to win the approval of men–or of God?

It’s January – and in the post-Christmas melee of an end to festivities, departure of my children back to their grown-up, independent, far from home lives and start of a new term, so back to work – I am struggling a little. So ‘little’ things become ‘bigger’ than they would do normally. In particular, a strained relationship. A once-close friend now seems distant – she has enthusiasms, so perhaps her enthusiasm for me has waned. Or perhaps I’ve done something to unwittingly offend her. Or perhaps it’s just that she’s going through the menopause. Or perhaps I’m just imagining it, and busyness is the reason that my overtures of friendship are being declined. I know I should perhaps clear the air, but then fear that, if there is nothing the matter, I will have made Everest out of a pimple, which will then cause more problems…(my friend has other strained and difficult relationships, so I don’t want to put myself straight into that category with an untimely word). So I wait. And pray.
And then I thought of this verse from Galatians 1:10:Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is in the context of Paul speaking out the truth of the Gospel, but it got me thinking. Who am I trying to please?
In grieving over this strained relationship, I realised my energies were going into pleasing myself. It doesn’t feel comfortable – I just want to be back on easy terms again. Instead, to please God, I need to do several things.
1. I need to love my friend. I need to keep on reaching out in support and friendship ‘as if’ nothing was wrong.
2. I need to confess any hurt I feel, bringing it to God. I am guilty of thinking more of myself and my feelings than of her.
3. I need to focus on doing what pleases God. If it is to speak truth, then I am to speak truth. If it is to do something good, then I must do that. I need to fix my eyes, not on the strained relationship, but on Jesus.
So I pray for patience, perseverance, courage and above all love. For love covers over a multitude of sins. Especially mine.

Broken Relationships

I was pondering the problem of broken or strained relationships recently, and how, though Christian blogs are tremendously encouraging on personal development, inner spiritual life, and so one, I haven’t come across much help on what to do about Relationships.  And I’m not talking dating, either. No, just the difficulties with family, friends, colleagues, the neighbours… don’t tell me you don’t have problems, because we all do. I know it’s not just me.  And I think there are several reasons for that.
One is that if we live authentically, showing the ‘real me’ rather than the ‘polite’ one, then sooner or later someone is going to object to some aspect of that ‘real me’ – and possibly, even the ‘polite’ me too: there is no pleasing all of the people all of the time. Then the problems start.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to fix those. Because I can do all the ‘right’ things: like ignoring the problem and waiting for the difficulties to blow over. That works sometimes, others it doesn’t. Or I can try to gently confront the issue – wow, do some folks get upset!  For all kinds of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.  Or can I eat humble pie – and that can either solve the problem beautifully or lay the foundation for a road full of trouble.  It’s really difficult, because, in relationships, there is no ‘whoops, that approach didn’t work, let’s try another one’. At least,  of course you have to do that, but you also have to fix the problem that was created by the ‘wrong’ approach, and then the new approach might not work either, and then…. well, the potential for trouble is exponential.
So I realised that, ultimately, it’s all down to me and my attitude. I need to know who I am in Christ, beloved, secure. Trust  in Christ’s ability to bring healing into the situation. And let the other be whoever they are. I can’t demand a particular response. I can only do what I believe to be best, but I am not responsible for their attitudes or behaviour.
Hmmm. I might need to put that up in LARGE letters on my fridge.

A journey

I’ve picked up John Eldredge again after a long absence. No, not an old boyfriend. Christian writer of The Sacred Romance, The Journey of Desire, Wild at Heart and Captivating, the last written with his wife. I’d like to know him though – he seems like an interesting guy to hang around with. Like my friend Bob, whose conversation always directs our thoughts to God. (Bob blogs at http://itzabouteternity.blogspot.com/ )

Anyway, John Eldredge writes about our relationship with God. His writing is full of imagery and compelling analogy. It is like a sudden splash of cold water on a hot day, refreshing and invigorating. A wake up call.

This caught my eye this morning.

Isaiah 45:2 – 3

I will go before you
and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Eldredge writes: “God’s imagery of going before us lets us know that he desires us to go on a journey. This is not so frightening. Most of us are aware that the Christian life requires a pilgrimage of some sorts. We know we are sojourners. What we have sometimes not given much thought to is what kind of a journey we are to be taking.
Not realizing it is a journey of the heart that is called for, we make a crucial mistake. We come to a place in our spiritual life where we hear God calling us. WE know he is calling us to give up the less-wild lovers that have become so much a part of our identity, embrace our nakedness, and trust in his goodness.”

Elsewhere he talks about becoming ‘slaves’ to anything that is not God. He talks about letting all kinds of things – many of them good – get in the way of our relationship with God. A relationship where God is calling us to venture into the unknown future WITH HIM. We are not alone.

I could keep rambling on and on and on. But above all, I want to keep going on that journey and be given ‘riches stored in secret places ‘ – riches that I will not be able to discover for myself unless God gives them to me.