Ponderings

I look at the blog posts I have written, and wonder about myself. I wonder how I can write about truth, write truth, when I am stumbling in the dark.

On days like this, I am not even sure that God loves me.

I know He says He loves me, but I know I am not worthy. Then I feel ashamed, embarrassed even, at denying what Jesus did with his terrible death. I know he died for me, and in some way, denying the application of his death to my life, I try to diminish it.

Oh miserable woman that I am, who can save me from myself?  "It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge..."

Those parts of me are named Insecurity, Fear, Doubt, Shame, Embarrassment, Hate, Envy...

"I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?"

"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:25)

However, as the next verse says: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death."

All that is left for me is to banish pride, accept humility and walk humbly with my God. To become like a little child again, starting off anew...

Showing off and its antithesis

Today's verses (Esther 1:5 - 8 and Matthew 4:8 - 9) show Ahaseurus showing off his enormous wealth - curtains of the most expensive material available; couches of 'gold and silver', presumably covered or inlaid, rather than solid; a mosaic floor of marble, mother of pearl and precious stones.

It is almost too much to imagine: I can  hardly believe it would be possible today. How could a wealthy man ensure that his craftsmen would not be stealing the precious metals and gems they were working with, for a start? Even a tiny amount 'acquired' by a poorer man would be life-changing.

This whole scene smacks of arrogance and exploitation. Even if we did not know that much of the Ancient World was built on the labour of slaves, we can guess so: for one man to own so much is wholly disproportionate in any society.

Then there is the temptation of Jesus, as Satan offers him the world and all its riches: he would have become the wealthiest and most powerful man ever to live.

And Jesus rejects the offer: he is already the heir of the Great Creator, who owns all the wealth in the world. There is something far better waiting for Jesus, and he refutes the Devil.

How topsy turvy: the 'better' is an agonising criminal's death so that we might become heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ... the words in Romans 8:17 which finish with "if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Untold wealth...and suffering...

More humility

After yesterday's post on pride, I laughed - in a painful way - when I turned to the latest reading in the Good Morning Girls summer study: 2 Chronicles 7:11 - 22, with the memory verse:
2 Chronicles 7:14 "...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
(I gasped an hour later when, catching up on a missed sermon, the speaker began with...yes, 2 Chronicles 7:14!)

Whoops. DEFINITELY something I need to learn. God said this to the nation of Israel but the call to humility, to prayer, to turn to God, to change, starts with each one of us. And that promise of forgiveness and healing is for each one of us as well.

Then I looked at the context, in verse 13: ' “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people,..." '
Hmmm. My struggles with friends, acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues...all small stuff compared to famine and deadly disease.

Yet, in my life, this feels like famine and disease.

When a friend withdraws friendship, I begin to starve. Friends feed and nourish my spirit and emotions, help me in my walk with God, encourage my heart.

An attack on my personality and integrity brings dis-ease to my heart. It becomes unhealthy, damaged, prone to more attack. I need to recognize that "...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)

That helps.

This helps, too: again, quoted by Lisa Notes
“I was neither as good as I hoped I might be nor as bad as I feared. I was simply another of God’s beggars, grateful to have found my way into the pool.” (From Leaving Church: A memoir of Faith by Barbara Taylor Bradford)

I love that. As I recognize that I am not 'as good as I hoped I might be' (aka Perfect), I also recognize that, because God loves me just as I am, then I am not 'as bad as I feared'. It's not about what I think of myself - particularly in relation to others - but about what God thinks of me. It's about putting myself in my rightful place: at the feet of Jesus, simply delighted to be in his presence, where nothing else matters.

Not famine, nor disease;
Not unfriendliness, nor criticism.
Not accusation, nor aggression.

For "...With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:...None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (Romans 8:31 - 39. The Message)
Absolutely NOTHING can get between me and God's love.
NOTHING.

What do I really want 'more' of in my life?

 
Linking up with Women Living Well and Holley Gerth. She asks: What do you really want more of in your life? Will you dare to say it out loud?
That's a good question. The word 'really' is what stops me. Because I 'want' to write more, to publish more, to share my writing more...that is one of my deepest dreams. But I can't say I REALLY want this more than other things.

I 'want' my husband and children to be happy, fulfilled, walking steadfastly in The Way of Jesus. I 'want' them to be doing this with good friends, special friends, lifelong friends...enough friends for every situation. I am thankful for what they have but I want 'more' for them.

I 'want' to share my faith more. With those who know Jesus and with those who don't. With my friends and my colleagues. With acquaintances.

I also 'want' more love, more joy, peace, more patience, more kindness, more goodness, more gentleness, more self-control...Not much, actually. Just one of those in that list is a big 'ask'.

I also 'want' more certainty, more reassurance, more clarity, more purpose, more direction, more knowledge, more understanding....

I 'want' more of a love for prayer, for deep communion with God and my fellows. I 'want' less laziness in my relationships.

I 'want' these things for myself: if I am honest, to make me feel good.

I also 'want' these things for others. In the belief that if I 'have' them, I will be a better, more useful, more giving person.

I want. I want. I want. A long list of unrequited 'wants' where 'more' is a distant land, too far to journey to. A mountain peak too high to climb. An ocean too deep to dive to the bottom of.

This is looking at things the wrong way round.

I need to ask myself what Jesus 'wants' for me.

He wants my love.

He wants me to love my neighbour.

So what I 'really' want is more of Him.

More of his goodness. For he went about doing good: "God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him." Acts 10:38

More of his love for others. "Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture...None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:35, 37 - 39, The Message.

More of his servant heart."When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges." Philippians 2:7

More of his humility. "Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all....Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges." Philippians 2:5 - 6, 8
More of his self-sacrificing nature. He even gave his own life for me. "Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion." Philippians 2:8

Philippians 2:1-4 sums up what I 'really want more of in my life': "If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

And the last word? "Meanwhile, live in such a way that you are a credit to the Message of Christ." Philippians 1:27.

That's what I REALLY want.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God...

I've been thinking about Ephesians 1:17-22: The Message puts it like this:I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. 

With such awesome power, why am I not in total awe, struck dumb and motionless - he is King of Kings, Lord of Lords, absolute ruler of all.  In the face of such might, petty squabbles and dissatisfactions are like a blot on the face of his beauty. They assume so much importance that they loom in front of my face, obscuring him who is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the lord of all...It is as if I block out the sun by holding a small insignificant object close to my face...in the same way, I block out God's mighty power by holding close to me my petty grudges, resentments, difficult relationships, unhappy memories...
I am reminded of 1 Peter 5:6 which says in the Message: God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.
live carefree. Care free. Not letting "death nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future, nor any powers, height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39, NIV)
Now, there's a thought!