Such a good reminder. I have been in this place of 'having' to extend grace - how can I not, after everything Jesus has done for me?
But it is the hardest thing. I have found that I have to maintain this attitude, keeping kindness on repeat when I REALLY REALLY want to get revenge, expose the wrongdoer, be openly vindicated.
It brings me closer to God and I recognise - and try to be thankful for - that this hurt and rejection is therefore a useful tool in transforming my character.
Maybe I’m just talking about myself, but whether or not I realized it, I usually found a way to frame my pit to make me look like a victim. Not only is God omniscient, His Word is “sharper than any double-edged sword” cutting our baloney so thin He can see straight through it. He knows when we’re kidding others. He knows when we’re kidding ourselves. Knowing all we are, all we feel, and all we hide, God overflows with love and willingness to deliver us. Even after Israel sought the help of the Egyptians, inviting the chastisement of God, Isaiah 30 testified,
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. –Isaiah 30:18
Longs to be gracious. I like the ring of that. We’re also repeatedly told that “His love endures forever” which means the Lord is gracious for long. That’s what former pit-dwellers like me must have. We need a Deliverer who is in for the long haul.Philippians 1:6 tells us that God, who began a good work, is faithful to complete it. Frankly, work doesn’t get harder than pit-dweller pulling. Man, who may begin a good work, wears out too fast to finish it. And rightly he should. It’s not his job. True delivery takes some time, some titanic effort, and more patience than the best of people possess. You and I need a strong arm and a long arm.
The apostle Paul described God’s tenacity in 2 Corinthians 1:10 when he said,
He has delivered us… He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us.
Past. Present. Future. That’s the kind of deliverance from the pit you and I are looking for. We’ve got to have a lifetime warranty.
The “Sovereign Lord” alone is “my strong deliverer” (Psalm 140:7). Everybody else will wear out. They may pull us out of that pit and even hang around a while to push us away when we try to get right back in it. But eventually their backs will give out. And when they do, we’re liable to be mad at them. In fact, we might not speak to them for years. They let us down.
I’m sure I’ve worn people out, and I’ve been worn out. A fellow human may have initially pulled us out of a pit, but somewhere along the way, he or she accidentally sold us into the slavery of nearly debilitating disappointment. Even subtly encouraged yet unmet expectations can be devastating. When it happens, we reason that we might as well have stayed in the pit. Tragically, countless relationships end exactly that way.
One person invariably cuts the rope before the other, leaving the remaining party feeling, in the words of William Dean Howells, “betrayed and baffled still.”
I wouldn’t for a minute minimize the pain of a relationship broken by unreasonable – or at the very least, unsustainable – expectations. When such a close and dependable relationship is injuriously severed, the knife penetrates to the exact depth we’ve invited them into our private lives. Indeed, one of the primary reasons we’re so wounded is because the person knew what we were going through and still abandoned us.
What I’m about to say can be painful to hear, but I pray that God will use it toward someone’s healing: sometimes a person abandons us not in spite of what we’re going through, but directly because of it.
They either ran out of answers or they ran out of energy and no longer had the wherewithal to go through it with us. If our helping friends actually did something that overtly wronged us, they bear responsibility before God for that. But if they wronged us only by running out of fuel and dropping out of the struggle, we might need to realize they’ve done all they felt they could humanly do and let them go without bitterness or anger.
You and I certainly don’t want to be afraid of intimacy or shrink back from bearing our true estate with people. If we do that, we’ll become as cold and hard as plastic and shelve ourselves from every purpose of our existence. (For starters, inauthentic people are ineffective people. For finishers, liberty cannot exist apart from transparency.)
The problem comes when our idea of relationship becomes ownership – when we start thinking of the person who was willing to get into our mess with us as our personal trainer. Sometimes we latch onto someone for dear life who is no better off than we are. Christ asked in Luke 6:39: “Can the blind guide the blind? Shall they not both fall into a pit?”.
Does this mean we should not get involved with hurting people? Not at all! We may be hopelessly inadequate as deliverers for one another, but never think for a moment we can’t be used of God to affect profound change in someone’s life. That’s the primary reason He leaves us here on Planet Earth after our citizenship has transferred to heaven. We can have a tremendous impact over a life in the pit.
First of all, we can impact pit-dwellers by example. We can show them that living outside the pit is possible by living that way ourselves.
Second, we can impact pit-dwellers by prayer. 2 Corinthians 1:10-11 adds a vital tag to Paul’s testimony I quoted earlier concerning God’s past, present, and future deliverance of His children: “On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us as you help us by your prayers”. We have a God-given invitation – if not responsibility – to join the process of someone’s divine deliverance from peril or pit. When deliverance happens, the payoff is glorious.
Third, we can impact pit-dwellers by encouragement. Hebrews 3:13 calls us to “encourage one another daily… that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
Satan has a tremendous investment in convincing a person that, with his or her track record, sustainable victory is impossible. That’s a lie. Say so.
Fourth, we can impact pit-dwellers by doggedly directing them to Jesus. Like the men carrying the paralytic on the mat, do everything you can to “lay [the person] before Jesus” (Luke 5:18). All the while keep praying, encouraging, and living by example. And above all, keep telling her who the true Deliverer is. Keep pointing her toward the only One who will not let her down.
Fifth, to the degree that God has developed biblical wisdom in us, we can impact pit-dwellers through our advice and counsel. Particularly those who have been well trained to do so. I am a huge proponent of godly professional counseling. Got it myself, and I’m not sure where I’d be without it. I needed to share things with an unbiased party. With someone who was bound by professionalism to keep my confidences. With someone who’d heard stories like mine before. I hear things from time to time that baffle me beyond any advice I know to give. I simply have no mental file from which to pull a ready answer. Also, I must keep in mind that professional counseling is not my job.
Even the best of godly counselors have to guard against their counselees setting them up as deliverers. Wise counselors know from experience they’ll never live up to it. They also know they’d be nearly smothered to death if they tried. Yep, they’d be buried right there under the cell phone, beeper, Blackberry, letters, messages, and stacks of e-mail the counselee made use of in her relentless pursuit of her deliverer.
All of us were born with a natural tendency to attach ourselves to a savior and worship him. To see him high and lifted up. That’s why it had better be Christ. We are safe with no other. Isaiah 43:11 says it succinctly:
I, even I, am the Lord, /and apart from Me there is no savior.
No one else can handle the weight. They may try for a while. They may even like it for a while, because when someone looks up to you and depends on you, it can be heady. But sooner or later they will drop the rope. It’s too much to carry.
Just like the men who lowered the paralytic through the roof of the home where Jesus was teaching, you finally have to let go of the rope and leave them with Jesus.
Maybe this chapter wasn’t meant so much for you. I don’t know. Maybe you can’t think of a single time you made someone else responsible for your happiness… your wholeness… your fulfillment… your healing… your future.
But then again, maybe some of the fog has cleared on a relationship you believed at one time would be a deliverance of sorts for you. Instead, you were left disillusioned or disappointed when that person dropped the rope. Possibly devastated.
Maybe you’re beginning to see that this person wasn’t being heartless and hateful. Just human. Didn’t have what it took. Maybe you can allow God to bring you to the place to forgive that person for failing to be Jesus for you. Or maybe you should fire someone who still insists on trying. Maybe you – like me – can now forgive yourself for accidentally setting someone up for failure. Maybe that someone was you.
And maybe both of us could just let Jesus be Jesus.
Excerpted with permission from Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore, copyright Thomas Nelson."
And then there is Brene Brown on empathy:
And an interesting blog from one Tim Lawrence who writes on dealing with adversity.
Woke this morning with these words from Isaiah 65:17 - 18 in my head: “See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy."
Why, I wonder?
I have been struggling with hurt and betrayal and forgiveness and loss and grief - on many, many levels.
Struggling with trying to learn the lessons God wants to teach me, while my spirit keeps shouting "Not fair! Not fair! Not me! Why me?"
Struggling with those questions while my spirit keeps shouting "Why not you? You are so privileged and blessed, treat all this as a gift from the Lord." I am having lots of help dealing with my attitude:
Kristen Welch says: "The reality isJesus pushes on the tender places for our good.
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peacefor those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7-11
Turning into the pain and asking God to show us the troubled spots gives us depth and makes us more like Jesus. He allows it–not to hurt us–but to ultimately heal us because we are more apt to seek Him when we are hurting.
When Christ pushes on our vulnerable places–the valley of depression, the abiding loneliness, the dark fear, the need to control–it actually creates a deeper intimacy with Him.
We all have painful places in our heart, wounds from other people or from hardships in this life.
We have a couple choices: we can talk about how much we hurt or pretend we don’t at all. Or we can let Jesus massage the pain away and ultimately allow our weakness to make us stronger.
When He presses in, lean into Him. He can redeem our pain and create something beautiful from it."
Scripture: “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you” (Matt. 5:44).
Word of Expectation: American is deeply divided politically and ethnically. Jesus calls us to live with a supernatural attitude toward those we do not agree with. Those who mistreat us are to receive love from us instead of anger or revenge. We owe kindness to those who are unkind to us. God will show up when we do this.
Prayer: God of mercy, you have been so kind to me. You overlook my faults every day. Help me today to live the supernatural life in your graciousness. Please empower me, and let me see you in a fresh way today. Amen.
And then I read this:
"Sweet friend, I know how it feels to want to completely shut down when life gets challenging and things happen that we don't understand. But if we pull away from praying, reading our Bible and going to church in hard times - we just suffer. If we stay committed to doing those things that keep us connected with God, we will experience an intimacy and power in the midst of our suffering we can’t get any other way." ~ Lysa TerKeurst
And this: "Do you meet aggression with aggression and call it strength? Sometimes I do and it leads me to a place I never intended.
Jesus is teaching me to replace aggression with vulnerable strength.
Vulnerable strength isn't a verbal assault. It's when we speak the truth in love, but let it settle rather than hammer it in.
Vulnerable strength isn't an emotional outburst, rather it's working through misunderstanding.
Vulnerable strength isn't one-sided, but it's stepping into another person's shoes for a moment to expand your understanding of the conflict." ~@Suzie Eller
And, finally:
"We are the beloved of the LORD, and we can rest between His shoulders. Are you hurting? Does life feel intolerable in this moment? Your Father is there.
There is nothing too big He cannot carry.
Peel away those layers of resistance, and let Him know a rest is needed.
Invite Him to come and see the pain–
The One who longs for your company
The One who yearns to walk life’s journey with you
Without hesitation, reach arms high. Let Him rescue. He promises to carry you. Without hesitation, He’ll set you right between His shoulders. Our Father is big and strong. You are secure. You are shielded.
I've beenthinking about lying a lotrecently. As a Christian, with many Christian friends, I don't come across lying very much. Generally, my friends speak truth - not just an absence of lies, but truth-inspired wisdom. Wisdom which inspires, illuminates, encourages... But that's another story...
I've jotted down these notes to share at a breakfast I host each month...
Now, lie can mean, as the Oxford English Dictionary says,'to make a false statement with the intention to deceive'. Lying can often mean much more than that.
I come across lying in my job quite often. While manychildrentell the truth, it is my experience that others lie almost automatically. They second-guess an answer, and, without time to evaluate the implications for them, 'play safe' by just lying. Along the lines of 'Did you do this?' they will answer 'No,' regardless of whatever 'this' might be. Usually, it only takes the lift of an eyebrow or a simple 'Really?' to get them to change their minds and 'tell the truth'. Usually. Occasionally, there are individuals who find it very difficult to 'tell the truth' - in fact, 'truth' as they see it may seem far removed from facts and reality. That's a bit harder, with children, but I usually get there in the end. And it is incredibly satisfying to see a child blossom and develop into a 'truth-teller', emerging from the darkness of hidden lies.
Butlying by adultsI find very difficult. Especially when they lie to my face, thinking I don't know the truth.I like to believe what people tell me. I like to rely on their words, to take them as true, to depend on them. I trust others to tell me the truth, whoever they are: friends, colleagues, acquaintances... Naive, but trusting. I'm learning to take some statements with a 'pinch of salt' and check out the veracity - or otherwise - of the information. And I don't necessarily expect 'truth' from some quarters - double-glazing salesmen perhaps? But the greater the degree of trust, the greater the betrayal.
It's happened to me recently. I'm growing up. I'm learning to live with it. But my trust has lessened exponentially.
It's not a nice feeling. It's made me even more determined to try to tell the truth as I know it - not as I see it, for there are always different opinions and sides to every question - as much as I can.
There are degrees of lies, of course: many of us say a 'white lie' is fine - said to spare someone's feelings. Or when truth is simply withheld, for the same reason, or because it might be embarrassing, or get someone into trouble, or...And those kind of lies are stories in themselves. Yet I'd like to suggest that even white lies, or withholding the truth, can cause as much harm as telling the obvious whopper.Because lying is a fundamental betrayal of trust.The person lying doesn't trust the person they are speaking to with the truth - and so they hide it. Yet, when the hearer KNOWS the truth, as happened to me recently, it is a huge deal.Ignorance is indeed bliss, for with knowledge of the truth come the piercing arrows of deception, distrust and disloyalty. Proverbs 25:18in the New Living Translation says: Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow. In The Message it is: Anyone who tells lies against the neighbours in court or on the street is a loose cannon. Psalm 57:4: I am in the midst of lions; I lie among ravenous beasts--men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.
Jeremiah 9:8:Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks with deceit. With his mouth each speaks cordially to his neighbor, but in his heart he sets a trap for him.
It’s not ‘nice’!
The last wish of a dying man, reflected in Proverbs 30: 7-9, gives great importance to truth. It saysAnd then he prayed, "God, I'm asking for two things before I die; don't refuse me—Banish lies from my lips and liars from my presence.
Unfortunately, we live in a world of lies, subject to the influence of the Father of lies...so:
1.How can we live so that we ‘banish lies from our lips’?
2.How can we deal with those who lie to us?
I think the key to any life question is to memorise what the Bible says:
1. We must make sure, whatever others do or say, that we speak the truth – for our own sakes. Heed the warnings:
Proverbs 4:23 Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth;avoidcareless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.
Proverbs 6:16
[ Seven Things God Hates ] Here are six things God hates, and one more that he loathes with a passion: eyes that are arrogant, a tongue that lies, hands that murder the innocent, a heart that hatches evil plots, feet that race down a wicked track, a mouth that lies under oath, a troublemaker in the family. Proverbs 12:19
Truth lasts; lies are here today, gone tomorrow. Proverbs 14:5
A true witness never lies; a false witness makes a business of it. Proverbs 14:25
Souls are saved by truthful witness and betrayed by the spread of lies. Proverbs 19:9
The person who tells lies gets caught; the person who spreads rumours is ruined.
2.Make sure, whatever others do or say, that we speak the truth to win them over:
Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.1 Peter 2:12 (The Message)
3. Make sure, whatever others do or say, that we do not contribute to a deceptive atmosphere.
As the previous verse says, it's easy to join in and 'indulge' ourselves. 'Sinful desires, which war against your soul' (I Peter 2:11, NIV) are easy to give in to. Exodus 20:16 says: 'No lies about your neighbour'. We may not tell outright lies, but we may pass them on, distort the truth and contribute to rumours and 'whispering in corners'.
So we need to speak thetruthfor our own sakes, and for others’ good – both individually and corporately.
When we speak straight-forwardly, truthfully and keep away from gossipy discussions – we earn the right to speakTHE TRUTHabout Jesus into people’s lives.
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