Relationships: accepting responsibility, accepting oneself, accepting circumstances....

Reading an excellent post by Jennifer Dukes Lee on when relationships turn toxic, I was confronted with some difficult questions. As she talks about three possible responses when relationships turn sour, my heart floods with unwelcome thoughts.

She says: "...even now, there are times when I feel thirteen on the inside, standing outside the door. Even now, I occasionally struggle with relationships that move from good to bad.

I’m learning that in situations like these, I need to pause and take a sober assessment of my choices before I move forward. Imagine those choices as three wooden doors, marked with signs that read: Toward, Onward, Inward."

Toward. "When we open the Toward Door, we “move toward” the person. We’ve determined that the relationship has value and we will attempt to restore it, pinpoint the problem, admit our own shortcomings, offer grace where needed, and grow in the process. While opening this door can be painful, the Toward Door gives us an opportunity to show compassion, and perhaps open a path toward the healing of another soul."

Indeed. This approach declares the value of the relationship, offers the other a chance of restoration, gives the gift of affirmation. It is hard and painful but offers acceptance, not rejection. Lisa-Jo Baker has written a book called 'Never Unfriended', referring to the easy way we can close off relationships on social media with the swipe of a finger.

Now Holley Gerth has also brought out a book on how to Live Fully, Love Bravely. And, well, I've only read the first chapter, where she talks so beautifully about being vulnerable (oh, what a buzz word, @BreneBrown!) in moving towards restoring a broken relationship... and how difficult yet positive this is when we dare to be brave.... I love it, subscribe wholeheartedly to it, and yet....

My questions: What happens if the other person is determined not to pursue relationship? What happens if THEY decide to cut me off? How will I feel? How will I handle the termination of a friendship which I had considered valuable enough to risk myself for? How do I accept that the other person does not consider ME valuable enough to restore relationship with...?

I haven't read the book. Perhaps I need to....

Then there is Onward. Relinquishing a relationship which has become toxic and unsafe. 

1 Corinthians 15:33 quotes a Greek poet who says:  “Bad company corrupts good character.” An encouragement, perhaps, to move away from a relationship which will cause me harm, hinder my walk with God and cause me more anguish than have a positive effect on my life.

But my questions: What if I am someone who has become toxic to a friend, perhaps - often - because of their own insecurity or low self-esteem? How do I handle the rejection inherent in a relationship which has gone awry? How do I accept the effect I have had on other people without it damaging my own soul? Do I have the courage to face up to and accept my own responsibility in the relationship?

And finally: Inward. Jennifer says: "We turn inward, allowing difficult people to linger on the forefront or fringes of our minds, long after they’ve moved on. I’ve walked through the Inward Door in the past, and I know firsthand how it made me spiritually sick to constantly replay conversations and nurse old wounds.
Introspection is helpful, but if you walk through the Inward Door, don’t stay here too long. If you stay inside the Inward Door, a wise mentor once told me, “You let people live rent-free in your head.”

And my questions: How do I stop this happening? How can I move my thoughts on, leave the relationship and move on, away from the hurt and pain? Do I know what I have to learn from this? Even if it is just to trust God more and people less: how do I do that? 

There we are. A great tool - thanks, Jennifer.  And some good questions. Lots of thinking to do....

Success

Chatting recently with friends who, like I, are going through a course with the Guernsey School of Supernatural Life, about mentors and friendship.  Then came across Scott Saul's blog about his new book 'Befriend'.

And then I read down, read down to a post about success and what REALLY matters. An extract here:
"As I think about these blessings, I am also struck by Jesus’ admonishment to his disciples precisely when their perceived ‘success’ and ‘influence’ was at its peak:

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” And he said to them…“Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven (Luke 10:17-20).

Did you catch that?

When the disciples came to him with news of their strength and influence and success, his response was to say, “Do not rejoice.”

Why? Because, as my colleague and friend, Bob Bradshaw likes to remind us often, ninety-five percent of ‘successful’ people end up failing the test of prosperity because, in many instances, there is an inverse relationship between what the world calls ‘success’ and true success. For we are successful only when we have character that is greater than our gifts and abilities, and humility that is greater than our platforms and influence.

When God prospers us for a time, when he chooses to put the wind at our backs, of course we should enjoy the experience. But we mustn’t hang our hats on it…because earthly success is temporary. If and when it comes, it does so as a gift from God and it is also fleeting. Jesus is telling us not to allow appetizers to replace the feast, or a single apple to replace the orchard, or a road sign to replace the destination to which it points. On this, CS Lewis provides essential wisdom:

It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires (that is, our ambitions) not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. (The Weight of Glory)

Here, Lewis reminds us that no self-serving ambition has the ability to satisfy the vastness of the human soul made in the image of God. As Augustine aptly said, the Lord has made us for himself. Our hearts will be restless until they find their rest in him....

... the story of every person who has experienced the anticlimax of having getting to the end of the rainbow and finding that there is not a pot of gold there after all, confirms a universal truth for every human heart:

Only Jesus, whose government and whose peace shall never cease to increase (Isaiah 9:7), can sustain us. Only Jesus, whose resurrection assures us that he is, and forever will be, making all things new, can fulfill our deepest desires and give us a happily ever after. Only Jesus can make everything sad come untrue (credit Tolkein with that one). Only Jesus can ensure a future in which every chapter will be better than the one before (credit Lewis). Only Jesus can give to us the glory and the soaring strength of an eagle (Isaiah 40:31). Only Jesus, whose name is above every name, and at whose name every knee will bow, can give us a name that will endure forever (Philippians 2:9-10; Isaiah 56:5).

Making much of his name is, then, is a far superior ambition than being ‘successful’ or trying to make a name for ourselves. For apart from Jesus, all men and women, even the most ambitious and successful and strong, will wither away like a vapor. “People are like grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever” (Psalm 40:7-8).

Lastly, if this isn’t enough to give us a healthier, humbler perspective on self-exalting, self-advancing ambitions, perhaps this observation from Anne Lamott will:

One hundred years from now?
All new people.

I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s an important perspective to keep—whether living in plenty or in want.

Let’s do all things through Christ, who alone strengthens us."

Companions for the journey

The journey. The Journey - Life's Journey.  Friends have just walked part of great pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela, meeting many along the way who were aiming for the same goal and purpose. Companions for the journey.

Who are OUR companions for the journey?

Jesus sent his disciples out in pairs. Paul and Barnabas, and then Paul and Timothy, travelled together. Paul, in fact, travelled with at least eight different companions over the years.

Of course, we think of those fellow Christians who have become our friends: but what qualities do we look for in this particular friendship?

1. Presence. We need someone with us - often, perhaps, it is not necessarily someone we would choose to be friends with, but just someone who is here.with.us.  Luke was Paul's companion on many a journey, staying with him even when others had gone their separate ways. (2 Timothy 4:11: Only Luke has stayed with me.") 
2. Integrity. We need to be able to trust the truth of each other.
3. Passion. We need someone to inspire us.
4. Likemindedness. We need to be in agreement with each other... but...we also need someone with...
5. Courage. We need someone who will challenge us.  And we need someone who WE can challenge:

Galatians 6:2  Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law.

Jesus said: "“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

Challenging each other is a gift from God when we examine our own hearts first. It is really hard to do this - SO much easier to see what is 'wrong' with someone else. Yet when we see someone else's sin, perhaps it is not as much looking through a one way mirror, as if we were observing a police interrogation from the hidden safety of the observation room, as looking into an actual mirror. We see someone else's fault because, in some way, it mirrors our own.

Sometimes we have already fallen into the same sin: we recognise it: been there, done that. The sin of pride often lies behind many others, as we subconsciously consider ourselves superior.  Have we ever said or thought; "I'd never do that" ?  Or perhaps sin is motivating our 'recognition': a desire to feel better about ourselves by putting others down?  Examining our own hearts must always be a precursor to confronting another, humbly admitting our own tendencies to sin and having a gentle approach.

Having said all this, sometimes we will part company. We differ - as Paul and Barnabas did, (Acts 12: 12, 25; Acts 13: 5, 13; Acts 15: 37, 39) - and may separate, perhaps only for a while, perhaps permanently.  Our lives may geographically become separate - and thank God for the internet which helps us keep in close touch.  Our paths may just diverge, as God takes our lives in different directions.

Whatever happens, we can value those who journey with us.  Who are YOUR companions who journey through life with you? Who is your 'go to' person who you travel with? A REAL person, or someone you have come across through the internet: facebook, a website or a blog?

Then, when we are on a journey, we need places and people where we can find rest and refreshment: perhaps these are people we meet for a while and then leave behind. I think of Jesus at Sychar in Samaria: "Jesus, worn out by the trip, sat down at the well." He was hungry and thirsty, so he asked a woman who had come to the well for a drink. " Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?" (His disciples had gone to the village to buy food for lunch.)" 

The woman gave him water to refresh this thirst: but how encouraged he must have been by her openness to listen to him and receive his message and who he was. When the disciples came back, "his disciples urged him, 'Rabbi, eat something. But he said to them, 'I have food to eat that you know nothing about..'
Then his disciples said to each other, 'Could someone have brought him food?'
'My food,' said Jesus, 'is to do the wil of him who sent me and to finish his work...
Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I've ever done.' So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers.
They said to the woman, 'We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Saviour of the world.'"

Can you think of someone you have met along the way who has encouraged you? Perhaps you too have been weary and in need of physical and emotional rest and refreshment, but you have received spiritual encouragement as well.

Friendship

Friends. We all need them.Ecclesiastes has the idea of friendship right: two ARE better than one... 

It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there’s no one to help, tough!
By yourself you’re unprotected.

With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 - 10. 12

How lovely, to have a friend looking out for you, working hard with you...

And Jesus says...he says, again and again...  that love gives and gives, even to the point of giving even life itself, embracing death for the One loved, the Friend...

Look at his words:

This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. John 15:10 - 14

Command. Such a strong word. It means to give an order : to tell someone to do something in a forceful and often official way; to have authority and control over a group of people, such as soldiers.

Loving one another is NOT OPTIONAL.

And so, when we think of friendship, this is how we do it:

Be even-tempered, content with second place,  quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Colossians 3:13 - 14

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
.
Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:29. 31 -32

And how do we do this? A little verse slipped into the middle of the advice in Ephesians tells us:

Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted. Ephesians 4:30.
Just stay focused, then. Keep my eye on The Main Thing. Loving God, loving Jesus, loving His Spirit in me.

And what is love? When I love my family, my husband, my children, my friends, I find myself obsessed with their welfare, rejoicing over their gifts and talents, happy they are in my life.

So too I can be obsessed with the Spirit's 'welfare' in me, taking care not to hurt in any way; rejoicing over the many ways the Spirit works through a multitude of gifts and talents, happy to have the Spirit in me, in my life...Loving.

And so, as I consider how to better love my friends, I read:

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6
I can trust a friend, knowing that they have nothing but the best in mind for me.

Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight,
a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.
I can rejoice in the refreshment and recreation a friend gives me.

Don’t leave your friends or your parents’ friends
and run home to your family when things get rough;
Better a nearby friend than a distant family. Proverbs 27:9 - 10
I can rely on a friend to be there for me.

You use steel to sharpen steel,and one friend sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
I can be sure that a friend might spark against me at times in a clash like hard metal, but that this will be for my good.  A friend sharpens me up: makes me grow; spurs me on to become more fit for purpose.
Because a blunt knife is useless.

So when our friends annoy us, or unintentionally hurt us, how do we bear with them, build them up and keep on believing in them?
How deep is the friendship?
Is it worth fighting for?
What do we do?
1 Corinthians 15:33 says: Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” We need to be sure that our friend IS truly a friend. If not, can we let go of the friendship?

Jen at Good Morning Girls notes:
"Not all friendships are beneficial. There are some people who will drag us down, bring out the worst in us, and tempt us to sin. (1 Cor. 15:33)

We need to surround ourselves with people who will make us better Christians, encourage us in our marriages, cheer us on in our parenting, and will speak the truth when we are wrong. Who will love us through it all.

“He who walks with wise men shall be wise; but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” (Pro 13:20).

We will not only be influenced by the company we keep, we will be known by it. This makes it important to seek out friendships with people who will lead us to walk with and become more like Jesus. And let me give you some good news. It is not common interests that solidifies a friendship, but a common Savior. The bond we have with Christ trumps differing personalities, styles, passions, and hobbies so that we are able to have strong, deep friendships with other sisters in Christ.

Not only do we need to seek out godly friends, we need to learn how to become this kind of friend ourselves. This is something many of us neglect. We want good friends, but do we want to be a good friend? Jesus calls us to this. Of course a good friend will point other to Jesus, but here are a few things necessary to being a good friend that leads others back to the gospel.

Being a good friend will mean:

1. Giving up our own preferences
There is no room for selfishness in friendships. We need to be willing to give up our own preferences for the good of another person. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3, ESV) A good friend will seek to honor and bless those around them.

2. Speak truth kindly
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Pro 27:6)

One of the responsibilities of a friend is to reprove when it is needed. But doing this well requires grace and wisdom. It is not our job to become busybodies, but it is our job to gently and kindly correct if we see our friend walk in a way that is dangerous or in conflict with God’s word.

This means we must also be friends who are willing to hear and accept the reproof of a friend. This shows great spiritual maturity. While it may hurt our feelings we need to remember that truth spoken in love will be used by God to bear fruit in our lives.

“Let a righteous man strike me — it is a kindness; let him rebuke me — it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it!” (Psalm 141:5)

“Yes, rebuke a wise man, and he will love you” (Pro 9:8)

3. Be Wise
Bring a good friend demands wisdom. Without it it is easy to overlook sin and danger, or become overly critical. It’s not just reproving that we must care about, but how we reprove. Can we discern the needs of our friends? What will effectively encourage them in their Christian walk? All of this, and much more, requires wisdom.

It costs to be a good and godly friend. We see the ultimate friendship in Christ. He is wisdom personified. He spoke the truth, and is the truth. And his friendship toward us took him all the way to the grave, for our good. He did more than lay aside preferences, he laid down his life. “Greater love has no man than this: that a man lays down his life for his friend” (John 15:13). Are we willing to lay down our lives for the good of another?


But this cost is the very gold of life!
It is the only antidote for selfishness!
It is the way of Christlikeness!
JR. Miller"
Some more questions to think about from Good Morning Girls:
In this fast paced, technology-driven world, I wonder if the face-to-face, intentional “coming alongside” kind of friendships are becoming more and more of a lost art.

Are we replacing real-life relationships with online acquaintances? 

Are we hung up on the imperfections of others, or are we quick to encourage, forgive and love generously in our friendships? 

Even more, have we isolated ourselves to the point of hindering the gospel?

And some more questions, from an incourage post:

Do you have people in your life that help to give you an unobstructed view of yourself?
Do you have friends who challenge you, inspire you and broaden your view of eternal things?

Are you that kind of friend?

Life lessons

Woke this morning with these words from Isaiah 65:17 - 18 in my head:
“See, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy."

Why, I wonder?

I have been struggling with hurt and betrayal and forgiveness and loss and grief - on many, many levels.

Struggling with trying to learn the lessons God wants to teach me, while my spirit keeps shouting "Not fair! Not fair! Not me! Why me?"

Struggling with those questions while my spirit keeps shouting "Why not you? You are so privileged and blessed, treat all this as a gift from the Lord."

I am having lots of help dealing with my attitude:

Kristen Welch says: "The reality is Jesus pushes on the tender places for our good. 

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!  They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peacefor those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7-11

Turning into the pain and asking God to show us the troubled spots gives us depth and makes us more like Jesus. He allows it–not to hurt us–but to ultimately heal us because we are more apt to seek Him when we are hurting.

When Christ pushes on our vulnerable places–the valley of depression, the abiding loneliness, the dark fear, the need to control–it actually creates a deeper intimacy with Him.

We all have painful places in our heart, wounds from other people or from hardships in this life.

We have a couple choices: we can talk about how much we hurt or pretend we don’t at all. Or we can let Jesus massage the pain away and ultimately allow our weakness to make us stronger.

When He presses in, lean into Him. He can redeem our pain and create something beautiful from it."

Then Bob posted this:

Jan. 15. Love when difficult

Scripture: “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you” (Matt. 5:44).

Word of Expectation: American is deeply divided politically and ethnically. Jesus calls us to live with a supernatural attitude toward those we do not agree with. Those who mistreat us are to receive love from us instead of anger or revenge. We owe kindness to those who are unkind to us. God will show up when we do this.

Prayer: God of mercy, you have been so kind to me. You overlook my faults every day. Help me today to live the supernatural life in your graciousness. Please empower me, and let me see you in a fresh way today. Amen.

And then I read this:

"Sweet friend, I know how it feels to want to completely shut down when life gets challenging and things happen that we don't understand. But if we pull away from praying, reading our Bible and going to church in hard times - we just suffer. If we stay committed to doing those things that keep us connected with God, we will experience an intimacy and power in the midst of our suffering we can’t get any other way." ~ Lysa TerKeurst
And this:
"Do you meet aggression with aggression and call it strength? Sometimes I do and it leads me to a place I never intended.

Jesus is teaching me to replace aggression with vulnerable strength.

Vulnerable strength isn't a verbal assault. It's when we speak the truth in love, but let it settle rather than hammer it in.

Vulnerable strength isn't an emotional outburst, rather it's working through misunderstanding.

Vulnerable strength isn't one-sided, but it's stepping into another person's shoes for a moment to expand your understanding of the conflict." ~@Suzie Eller

And, finally:

"We are the beloved of the LORD, and we can rest between His shoulders. Are you hurting? Does life feel intolerable in this moment? Your Father is there.

There is nothing too big He cannot carry.

Peel away those layers of resistance, and let Him know a rest is needed.

Invite Him to come and see the pain–

The One who longs for your company

The One who yearns to walk life’s journey with you

Without hesitation, reach arms high. Let Him rescue. He promises to carry you. Without hesitation, He’ll set you right between His shoulders. Our Father is big and strong. You are secure. You are shielded.

You are the one He loves.

An amazing ride awaits you with an amazing view. Rest high and lifted up."

All wise advice.

Advent. Welcome.

In the gathering of Your people
there were many friends.
Familiar faces
sprinkled around
the building we call church.

After hearing of your gift of love
and singing songs to welcome You
my heart rejoiced,
connecting with
dearly loved companions.

In the gathering of Your church
there were many strangers.
Friends I did not know.
Between conversations,
I stopped to talk.

In these random, unplanned, link-ups
I met searching hearts.
Feet, unknowing
had brought them here
to hear Your good news.

In the gathering of Your followers
I searched for old friends,
but found myself
stretched out to meet
new acquaintances.

I have a simple prayer.
That those who do not know
the joy of being
loved by You
knew Love last night.

Being Real

One of the blogs I try to follow is called http://www.incourage.me They are presently running a weekly series on being in community, what that means and what it entails. For example, http://www.incourage.me/2012/09/community-matters.html

"Are you living in community?

That question sure seems to be popular right now. The encouragement to develop authentic, doing-life-together relationships with people, the chastisement to stop hiding, stop being afraid of getting hurt – it’s all the rage, isn’t it?

So we’re all plodding along, pushing through our fears, our nerves, our past experience that tells us people can be challenging and relationships can be complicated. We’re accepting invitations, asking hard questions, offering a hand or a hug to someone who needs it.

But how do you know when you’re finally doing it, when you’re doing life together, when you’re living in community?

True community can be elusive, like the unicorn or Smurfs. But after searching for it so long with such determination, you want to know when you’ve found it, am I right?! Lucky for you, I’ve figured out exactly how to know when you’ve really found community – and I’m happy to share.

How to Know if You’ve Found Community

Now, you might think that the first clue that you’ve created real community among your group of friends is when you get a phone call – or worse, hear the doorbell ring – and realize your friends are going to see your not-ready-for-company house, and you don’t panic. (Sure, you might shove a few things in the hall closet, but that’s normal.)

Or you might think that true community is clearly happening when you get together with friends and their families, and throughout the evening you realize someone else is feeding your child while you’re wiping her kid’s nose and your friend just hollered at your husband for his off-color joke while her husband just asked you for the recipe for the brownies in the kitchen.

Then again, maybe you’ve recognized community when you find yourself needing help – a spare tire, a last-minute babysitter, a couch to crash on halfway through your road trip – and you know exactly who to call. And you don’t even feel guilty or nervous about asking.

Or maybe it’s when you find yourself hugging your friend’s parents at the birthday party without that awkward I-don’t-really-know-you-but-I’m-hugging-you feeling, texting her just to say you’re thinking of her, opening drawers and looking for the salad tongs instead of asking where they are, confessing your deepest secrets and listening to hers, laughing until you cry over remember-when stories and inside jokes, or spending the night debating everything from the best season of The Office to theology and politics to the appropriate way to wear skinny jeans.

But for me, community – true, authentic, in-your-face-and-your-heart community – has never been more apparent than the night I shared with my friends that I had a bad case of poison ivy. (Yes. Again.) And their response? It was not sympathetic murmurs and gentle hugs, nor was it offers of home remedies or their own poison whatever survival stories. No, ma’am. My friends, my people, my community LAUGHED AT ME.

Oh yes! They laughed. And they mocked. And they said things like, “Really? What kind of, ahem, extracurricular activities were you doing at the church picnic to get poison ivy THERE?”

And as I sat there with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I thought, “Yes. This is community. This comfortable like my stretchy pajama pants, familiar as my own reflection, laugh at you and with you, call you out on your crazy and hug you through it family – this is community.”

Now it’s time for the $64,000 question . . .

Have YOU found community? How did you know when you’d found it?"

Do you think that one of the first ‘requirements’ of being ‘in community’ is to be ‘real’? What do we risk by being real? What do we gain?

Bonnie Gray (the Faith Barista http://www.faithbarista.com) said:

“The parts of me I usually like to hide are the very parts where God is working through my life and my story.”

Jesus Himself needed community. Jesus confided in three confidantes (Peter, James, and John) as He broke down in His darkest night in Gethsemane. The need to relate is part of our humanity and spirituality.

8 Ways

I’m still learning this come-out-of-hiding journey, but I’d like to share 8 ways I encouraged myself to come out of hiding and open myself up to community. I hope it gives you comfort knowing you are not alone and encourage you to know you can do it, too.

1. Don’t wait until you’re all better before you reach out to find a friend.

Reach out now, while you’re broken — and find the people who can truly be your friend. Now is the time to get the support you need.

In some cases, I asked for specific help or advice. For others, I just wanted the support. This is the jist of what I’ve said, “I’m going through a hard time right now. I’d like to confide in you about it, so I’m not alone in it. It’s not something I need solved. But, to make this journey, I need to know someone knows and someone cares. ”

This helps communicate to the other person I needed the safety rather than advice or problem solving (unless that is what you need). Because when you are overwhelmed, it’s important to have the safety to feel and talk things through.

2. Assume there will be “sunk costs” in this investment in community.

I’m just keeping it real friends. There are people who have not walked this journey of transparency. Difficult emotions make them feel uncomfortable with their own anxieties and it can stress them out. So, don’t take it personally if you try to make a connection and the conversation doesn’t work out. Understand this person isn’t the right match for this season of your journey.

Early on, I had confided to someone who said my anxieties were caused by my failure to trust God — which then plummeted me into a tailspin of discouragement. But, I kept reaching out until I found someone who could encourage me. It turns out I found great comfort in a friend I’d known for a decade, who I never knew she experienced panic attacks — until after I confided in her.

3. View opening up as an act of trust in God rather than a test of someone’s acceptance of you.

Finding a friend is another way of trusting God in the journey. You’re going to need someone to walk this path with you. When Jesus sent out the disciples out in ministry, He sent them two by two. The new commandment Jesus gives us is to, “Love one another, as I have loved you.”

This love commandment is reciprocal, too. Jesus wants you to receive love and He will send someone to love you on His behalf. Seek and we shall find.

4. Create a list of people to confide in. Start with the most compassionate person you know and slowly challenge yourself to move down your list — as you progress further along your journey — adjusting how much you share with your comfort level.

Many of you belong to a lot of wonderful support communities (like Celebrate Recovery, AA, …), so please share them with us in the comments.

For me, here is the list I moved down. Your list will vary, so custom-fit per your need and circumstance:

1. My best friend. My husband.

2. The most compassionate person who has known me the longest.

3. The most compassionate person who I confided in during the last crisis.

4. The pastor who mentored me.

5. The pastor who married me and Eric.

6. The pastor of my new church. (I was definitely stepping out on a limb at this point (how would he view me?). But, our conversation helped confirm that authenticity was valued in this faith community.)

7. A few closest girlfriends.

8. A Christian counselor/therapist (This was the first time I tried this. It’s hard to find the right one! Another post for another day…)

9. A few colleagues.

10. A new friend I met at my new church.

11. Readers on my blog.

5. Say no — and share honestly why you can’t.

This one is hard for me, especially if I feel like I should do something or be somewhere. I feel if I don’t say yes, I’ve let other people down or I feel guilty because I’ve failed in some way.

One way of being open in community is honestly letting others into our world: our needs, our limitations — as well as our passion, what we value and what our current priorities are, even if they differ from others.

6. Say yes — and share honestly where you’re at.

There are times God plops a wonderful opportunity in our laps — to invite us to try something new, something we really want to attempt — but are lacking confidence to commit. Give yourself permission to say yes — and share honestly the questions or hesitations you have.

You will be able to find others who identify with you — gain a friend and encourage each other through these conversations.

7. Ask others about their stories. Really listen and be present.

This is a beautiful part of community that never fails to melt my heart when I’m frozen in isolation. When we take interest in others’ stories, we give them permission to invite us to the tender places. We offer others acceptance — and we receive the gift of transparency. We gain courage to be present with others and open up about our own journey in return.

8. Choose to believe God is at work in your story. He’s living in you to come alongside others to live theirs.

Last, but not least, coming out of hiding is really a question of faith. If Jesus was working in me when life was good, was He still at work in me when life feels bad? Opening up to others when we are in the middle of our stories invites others to join us on the journey.

Because the truth is, there will always be parts of us God is loving us back to life.

We are all living stories being written.

We can help encourage each other while the ink is still drying.

We don’t have to reject ourselves or each other.

We can step out in the open and speak fully.

We can embrace the beautiful real stories we are living, instead of hiding behind the lonely stories we wish we were living."

“Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake,
which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us.
While we’re going through the worst,
you’re getting in on the best!”
2 Cor. 4:7-12 (The Message)

Holley Gerth writes: "much of community is just about showing up.

Showing up when we don’t know what to say.

Showing up when we don’t know what to do.

Showing up when all we’ve got to offer is Starbucks and a smile.

We try to make community more complicated than it needs to be. But really all it means is being there. Not hiding. Not believing the lie that someone else could do it better. Not even waiting for someone to reach out to us. It’s just making ourselves available. Being willing to be messy–whether it’s our hair or our hearts.

Someone needs you today. Just as you are.

And maybe all you’ve got to touch a life is just show up.
Today, tomorrow, the next time the unexpected text comes.

You’ve got more to offer than you realize. And in community, sometimes it’s the small things that make the biggest difference.

How are you showing up for someone else? How has someone else showed up for you?"

Moving on...

I've been greatly challenged recently by a relationship.  Tried my best to 'fix' it, continued to be as gracious and loving as I could - yet to no avail.
I know I cannot change anyone else's actions, thoughts, feelings.
I do know it.
Yet I live in hope. I find myself saying:'Maybe if I... this time perhaps she will...I wish...'
Nothing seems to change.
A friendship, dying for some time, now seems dead.
Then I read these wise words from Susan Lawrence, drawing the analogy of a transplanted tree which then died,:

"When have you tried to grow something where it doesn’t belong? If you’re like me, just about anything you plant doesn’t survive regardless of where you plant it, but think beyond plants…

When have you continued a relationship that’s unhealthy? Taken a job that drains you of your energy and talents? Committed to volunteer out of guilt instead of passion and service? Rationalized behavior or attitude you know isn’t appropriate?

We’re often planted in imperfect soil for a season, awaiting transplant. Isn’t that what life on earth is? It’s imperfect, and we make sacrifices. We deal with less than ideal situations at times…and yet we begin to feel at home where we’re only intended to temporarily live. Be careful of creating stubborn root systems in temporary soil.

Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times. Mark 4:8 (NCV)"

Trying to continue to 'grow' my dying relationship has to stop.
A lost friendship isn't something to mourn over. Nor are missed opportunities, past mistakes, difficult times.
Life is for living. Leave the past, move on in the present to the future.
Moving on.

Also on that theme, I was reminded of these useful tips for choosing how I spend my life - time, energy, emotion - by Karen Ehman. When Life is Too Loud for Quiet Time, People-Pleasing + Passivity - Overcommitment,  Activity or Eternity and finally and most usefully: What's a Too-Busy Gal To Do?


Here are nuggets of wisdom: 
Every need isn't necessarily your call.
Make it your policy to pause.
Walk away and don't look back.
Don't take on more than you can pray for.
Live your priorities.
Stop second-guessing yourself.

She quotes from Renee Swope's book A Confident Heart:

“I know all of life is screaming for your time, but instead of giving your divided attention to many good things, commit to setting aside time each week to walk through the process of finding God’s things for you. A confident-in-Christ woman wants to know who God created her to be.  She is comfortable saying “no” to some things so that she can say “yes” to living the life God wants her to live.  She is intentional and secure about pursuing the spiritual purpose God has for her.”

Doesn't that sound like moving on?

A maker or a keeper?

Are you a maker – or a keeper – of friends?

Some people are just really good at relating to strangers, making that first connection. They interact easily, drawing people to them and gathering friendships as easily as daisies.

Others of us are slower. We get to know someone gradually, over time. We build a friendship carefully and lovingly, tending it like a delicate plant. Phones calls are made, letters and emails sent, meetings arranged, invitations offered… And once our friendship is fully mature, we maintain it carefully. We are keepers.

There will, too, always be the folk we just ‘click’ with straightaway.  Some of those we get to keep –others, it’s just for a season. Ayla, over at Holyghostgirl talked about the saying: “People come in your life either for a reason, season, or a lifetime.” She made me think about that: that some of those relationships I would like for a lifetime are only with me for a season. There have been several occasions when, as a couple, we have ‘clicked’ with others just before they have moved to another town far away. We are still in spasmodic contact, but the relationship can’t develop as it might have done had they stayed.

I suspect  most of us are both makers AND keepers, to different degrees.

As I pondered over these, and other relationships (relationships I never expected to last beyond a season, but which have stayed with me for a lifetime) I started thinking about my relationship with God. Am I a maker or a keeper?

Do I initiate friendship with God? Do I seek new ways to know Him? Do I search Him out in His different persons? My friend Lisa, in her book Approaching God, talks about God as Father, Mother, Healer, Guide… but there are many more. Jehovah-Jireh – the Lord our Provider, to just name one. Do I try to get to know Him in that way? 

Or am I a keeper? Do I keep the friendship going in the ways I am used to, tried and tested? Do I keep communicating, through prayer, reading the Bible, keeping company with other friends of His, studying His words?

I suspect I am, often, neither a maker nor a keeper, to different degrees.

This is a friendship more important than any other. One I need to keep. And to nurture.

Friends

I read quite a few blogs, when I have time. Mainly Christian ones, and mainly those written by women. Not by any deliberate choice, it's just that I've discovered a few of them through blog referrals (actually, how else would I discover blogs? I certainly don't have time to sit and trawl blogger or wordpress for interesting blogs to read. Usually.)

Anyway, there is a great reflection by Renee Swope on longing for friendship. On how often she checks emails to see if her friends have written, and on how little time she has spent recently on maintaining friendships.

I identify with that.  I love meeting with friends: it is, literally, meat and bread to me.
I'm energized - not least, when I know they are coming round, to have a quick catch-up on the house cleaning. I'm not super-houseproud, but that's another story. Suffice to say, that a quick catch-up is all my house can hope for at the best of times.
I'm energized if I'm going out to meet them - I whizz through the chores. 
And I'm energized by being with them, spurred on to 'good works' or to pursuing some interest I had let lapse, or discovering something new to get excited about. This week I've delved into history, exercised more and caught up on school work, all on the back of one conversation. Can't be bad.

Though I spent time with very close friends all weekend, invited colleagues round for coffee and cake on Monday, spent quality time with my best friend (who is also my husband) on Tuesday and have invited friends from our Bible study home group to supper on Thursday, I still crave to connect.  So I've been challenged by Renee. Challenged to REconnect with a friend whose friendship seems to have lapsed.

I'll send that email. Right now.

Friendship - with a sigh...

Friends.
Once upon a time, when I was younger, just out of school, making friends without a second's thought, keeping them with long chats, letters, smiles and laughter, I thought friends were for keeping. For ever and happily ever after.
I wish.
(On the other hand...my relationships would not be the same. We would be 'facebook' friends who never have time to meet face to face or word to word save for the odd one-liner. Time does not expand to accommodate all the relationships we have.)
Yet now, in the middle of the story of my life, I still know that friends are for keeping.
Some of them.
Some are for losing - natural wastage - as I move from on situation to another. From workplace to workplace they fade away; from one stage in life to another, they move on; from one life focus to new direction, as interests wax and wane - they wave their quiet farewells. Usually, I send them on their way, rejoicing that I have known them, however short the duration of our acquaintance.
I now know that friends are for a season. Seasons of time, seasons of place, seasons of interest, seasons of life circumstances.
I keep those friends for ever and happily ever after in my memory, my thoughts, my smiles, my laughter. Though the friends are no longer part of my life, I cherish the times we had together.
Loyalty and faithfulness, to state the obvious, are gifts I am glad to have.
Yet sometimes it doesn't happen like that. Some friends do not lose their immediacy.
Because some friendships survive the removal times. They survive the change of house, neighbourhood, school, work, exercise class, book group...(even that). They survive through letters, emails, Christmas cards, maybe even the occasional brief phone call, snatched meetings - maybe even once every ten years.
These friends - heart friends, beneath the skin friends, joined at the hip friends - are ever lasting, happily ever after, for all eternity friends.
Often, usually, predominantly, friends of the faith. Fellow Christians. For these are friends who are closer than a brother (or sister).
So what is hard, doubly hard at the moment, is when friendships that I thought were solid, true, close, supportive, caring, loving, almost perfect...when these friendships do not survive a change of church.
The change was not for any wrong reasons. No, it was not because we had become dissatisfied with the worship (it's not for us anyway), nor the preaching (my responsibility is to HEAR properly, not criticize those who speak the words God gives them), nor even bad relationships. It was simply a response to God's call, so, reluctantly, we moved. Perhaps for a season - we might be back. We don't know.
It's a hard move.
So it's been a shock when I return to visit - which I do regularly - and become invisible. Those brothers and sisters seem to have forgotten that I am part of the family. Their lives have moved on, without me.
That's a shock, but it's inevitable. I can cope with that. I realise that not everyone uses the same industrial strength friendship glue as I do. Their loyalties lie in other directions.
No, what hurts is the friend I'd thought was a 'keeping friend'.  The friend I drank coffee with, walked with, laughed with, cried with, prayed with, the friend I thought loved me.
The friend who, busy with her life, almost acts as if I am ignoring her because I do not meet her at church any more.
Yet I long for her support, her acceptance of my move, her love.
We're still friends, but it's not the same, There is a new tension. She says things which make me feel unwelcome around her. She is irritated with some of my new friends. She doesn't text or call.
So what now?
I have always believed that god standard - better than gold standard - friendships reach a level of intensity that is make or break. The godly response is to make. It takes two.
Watch this space. And read this blog post over at incourage.. .