Relationships: accepting responsibility, accepting oneself, accepting circumstances....

Reading an excellent post by Jennifer Dukes Lee on when relationships turn toxic, I was confronted with some difficult questions. As she talks about three possible responses when relationships turn sour, my heart floods with unwelcome thoughts.

She says: "...even now, there are times when I feel thirteen on the inside, standing outside the door. Even now, I occasionally struggle with relationships that move from good to bad.

I’m learning that in situations like these, I need to pause and take a sober assessment of my choices before I move forward. Imagine those choices as three wooden doors, marked with signs that read: Toward, Onward, Inward."

Toward. "When we open the Toward Door, we “move toward” the person. We’ve determined that the relationship has value and we will attempt to restore it, pinpoint the problem, admit our own shortcomings, offer grace where needed, and grow in the process. While opening this door can be painful, the Toward Door gives us an opportunity to show compassion, and perhaps open a path toward the healing of another soul."

Indeed. This approach declares the value of the relationship, offers the other a chance of restoration, gives the gift of affirmation. It is hard and painful but offers acceptance, not rejection. Lisa-Jo Baker has written a book called 'Never Unfriended', referring to the easy way we can close off relationships on social media with the swipe of a finger.

Now Holley Gerth has also brought out a book on how to Live Fully, Love Bravely. And, well, I've only read the first chapter, where she talks so beautifully about being vulnerable (oh, what a buzz word, @BreneBrown!) in moving towards restoring a broken relationship... and how difficult yet positive this is when we dare to be brave.... I love it, subscribe wholeheartedly to it, and yet....

My questions: What happens if the other person is determined not to pursue relationship? What happens if THEY decide to cut me off? How will I feel? How will I handle the termination of a friendship which I had considered valuable enough to risk myself for? How do I accept that the other person does not consider ME valuable enough to restore relationship with...?

I haven't read the book. Perhaps I need to....

Then there is Onward. Relinquishing a relationship which has become toxic and unsafe. 

1 Corinthians 15:33 quotes a Greek poet who says:  “Bad company corrupts good character.” An encouragement, perhaps, to move away from a relationship which will cause me harm, hinder my walk with God and cause me more anguish than have a positive effect on my life.

But my questions: What if I am someone who has become toxic to a friend, perhaps - often - because of their own insecurity or low self-esteem? How do I handle the rejection inherent in a relationship which has gone awry? How do I accept the effect I have had on other people without it damaging my own soul? Do I have the courage to face up to and accept my own responsibility in the relationship?

And finally: Inward. Jennifer says: "We turn inward, allowing difficult people to linger on the forefront or fringes of our minds, long after they’ve moved on. I’ve walked through the Inward Door in the past, and I know firsthand how it made me spiritually sick to constantly replay conversations and nurse old wounds.
Introspection is helpful, but if you walk through the Inward Door, don’t stay here too long. If you stay inside the Inward Door, a wise mentor once told me, “You let people live rent-free in your head.”

And my questions: How do I stop this happening? How can I move my thoughts on, leave the relationship and move on, away from the hurt and pain? Do I know what I have to learn from this? Even if it is just to trust God more and people less: how do I do that? 

There we are. A great tool - thanks, Jennifer.  And some good questions. Lots of thinking to do....

Becoming

Fascinating post from Andy Stanley on relationships.

"If God created and gave us the capacity for satisfying relationships, it’s reasonable to assume God knows a thing or two about how to prepare for and operate one. Ever purchase something from a big box retailer and open the box to find a card that reads something along these lines? If this product is defective or a piece is missing, do not return to the place of purchase. Instead, contact us at 1-800-ITS-YOURFAULT. The reason the manufacturer would prefer you call them first is because they are the manufacturer. They know more than the retailer about their product. Way more. They also know operator error is more likely to blame than a manufacturing defect. So they would prefer that you call before you return.

Relationally speaking, when a relationship isn’t working properly, it’s tempting to go stand in the return line rather than check with the manufacturer. That’s unfortunate. It explains why relational history has a way of repeating itself."

Dealing with difficult relationships: finding forgiveness

Grappling with understanding the title (above) and the labels (below), I found some useful resources:
Dealing with a surprise attack when someone says or does something unexpectedly hurtful or nasty. And the topic of forgiveness comes at me everywhere I turn: Faith Barista, a sermon in church on anger and forgiveness...the book 31 Days to Lovely by Sarah Hawkes Valente, which is proving INVALUABLE.

Of course, dealing with these things involves humbling myself: wow, how I DON'T like to do that. BUT:
For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Psalm 149:4  And I have found great encouragement in Psalm 139:23 - 24 which says "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see f there  be ANY WICKED WAY IN ME, and LEAD ME IN THE WAY EVERLASTING.

The way everlasting. The way with God. No other way will bring me the peace and contentment I long for. Sarah Markley says:

"we fail and we fall. We shouldn’t do so on purpose to exhaust His grace, but we all make bad choices and decisions once in awhile. When we do, can we see the beauty in the dust? Can we look for that? Or do we hate our mistakes so much that the beauty that He is longing to show us in the ashes is lost?

He is longing to show us the beauty.

It’s so easy to loathe ourselves. We pile hatred onto our fragile souls. We fail and make mistakes and we hate what we’ve done. Even failures can open doors but sometimes we are too blind to notice.

...What is He longing to show us? That even in our sins, even in our mistakes and misjudgments, He is still there. He is always there. And He is close and good and He hasn’t changed. He is brushing His fingers in the dirty ashes, trying to show us the beauty there.

So, as I struggle with unforgiveness, God is helping me everywhere I look. I have just been sent a free book to review, part of the Everyday Matters Bible Study series on developing spiritual disciplines. The title of the book I have been 'randomly' (God-chosen) sent? Forgiveness.  !!

Today, at church, the sermon is on...anger and unforgiveness.

And Peter Jobes, of Sixty Stadia, has just written a remarkable post. (I love his blog anyway, but the fact that he is a good friend of my gorgeous daughter-in-law Adele is a wonderful bonus.)  Peter says: 

"It’s quite simple, really, you feel wronged by a situation, circumstance or person and you decide that the answer lies in you putting it right....

....there are a thousand little ways this thinking can creep into our lives if we don’t guard against it. It’s a desire to get up and fight for what we perceive are our interests, even though we know we have a God who promises to do so. It’s a pride problem.

We serve a God who goes ahead of us, rustling through the tree tops to fight on our behalf before we even reach the field of battle (2 Chronicles 20:1-26). We serve a God who pledges His faithfulness to us and seals that promise in His own blood. We serve the Shepherd of Psalm 23 who prepares us a table in the very presence of our enemies. A God who thinned the ranks of Gideon’s army (Judges 7) so that the victory would be demonstrably miraculous. And yet we find ourselves thinking we can win under our own steam?

The truth is that there are many times when faced with a circumstance that the answer isn’t found in our desire to fight it but in our ability to take rest in Him. Where we stop and hand off to Him, His strength is perfected in our weakness.

When the Children of Israel reached the Red Sea they faced what seemed to be an insurmountable problem. God had led them, literally, between the devil and the deep blue sea. The Egyptian army closed in on them and with nowhere to go they started to doubt their deliverance; once again they entered confusion as their enemies seemed to prosper and Moses stood up and gave some wisdom.

The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.  Exodus 14:14 (NKJV)

Or, as other translations put it, we need only to be still, to be silent. When we seek our own path, to our own idea of justice, it’s not about God any more but about our being seen to triumph. Like Caesar returning to Rome, we want a parade of victory but part of being a follower of Christ is that the parade of victory is His.

It can be difficult in life at times, when you want to resolve problems in human fashion and yet know God’s will is for you to hold your peace. It’s so easy to either ignore it and make a mess, or instead revel in the feeling of being a victim, yet we must do neither. We must find a place of peace, and let God set our world to rights.

My prayer is that I will grow more and more into a person whose default behaviour isn’t to strap on the boxing gloves and go twelve rounds with a problem, making more mess, but to hand it over to the one who has already promised to deal with it.

It’s not about being passive, it’s not about being cowed and broken. It’s about having the courage to stand and pray and believe in God’s definition of setting things right above our own.
Finally, a little Bible study guide arrived in the post. I signed up for a copy of 'Everyday Matters Bible Studies for women' which cover a full range of spiritual practices.  There were twenty-four possible topics ranging from Bible Study and Meditation to Worship...I got...yes...wait for it... FORGIVENESS!
#lookingforwardto #gettingstarted #onthatonetoo
And for inspiration: The Forgiveness Project.
And finally: "...while some friendships won’t last forever, never lose hope that God can heal all wounds. Never lose hope that rich friendships can still be found." 

Pride...

I always enjoy reading Lisa Burgess' blog, Lisa Notes - not least, because we are at a similar stage of life, with grown children. Some of the other blogs I read are heavy on young children and homeschooling mothers - they offer nuggets of wisdom, but I'm not always entirely comfortable with the context. But that's another story...

Today, Lisa blogs about, basically, living without pride. Without putting on a (brave or covering-up) face. She begins with:
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. "  2 Corinthians 12:9
Lisa suggests that "If I can’t do it well (whatever it is), I’d rather you not watch.
But if I wait until I get it perfect, you may never see it at all.
When Barbara Brown Taylor was stepping into a more public preaching role in her church, she recalled this advice below. I say let’s take it for ourselves in our everyday lives.
'As my beloved rector had told me in seminary, being ordained is not about serving God perfectly but about serving God visibly, allowing other people to learn whatever they can from watching you rise and fall.
“You probably won’t be much worse than other people,” he said, ”and you certainly won’t be any better, but you will have to let people look at you. You will have to let them see you as you are.” '
– Barbara Brown Taylor, Leaving Church
Lisa says:
"That’s not to say let’s be hypocrites and do our works just to be seen by men (Matthew 6:1-2).
But let’s also not keep God our private little secret, hidden away until we canfor unveil him with the perfect ta-da ! moment.
Be a light for other people in your humanity to point them to God in his divinity (Matthew 5:14-16).
Be imperfect. Take the insult. Rest in your weakness.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do—the strongest, the most loving—is just be who you are.
Honor your Creator.
Be visible.
Be you.
Let him be God."

Now,  I tend to think that, generally, I AM real. Perhaps, at times, being too hard on myself. Whatever, folk usually see me 'warts and all'.

Except, I realised, in my relationships.   (That 'except' is only for now: I am sure God will show me other aspects of my life which need a lot of sorting out. And I mean A LOT.)
When I read "Take the insult."  I realised I have a huge amount of PRIDE in having good relationships. In having good relationships with all my friends, colleagues, acquaintances. In being able to 'fix' misunderstandings...to be PERFECTLY honest, I demand - of myself - perfection in relationships.

This attitude has caused me a lot of grief. Of course, I've tried to blame it on everyone else: on the friend who, because of her own insecurities, became uneasy in my presence and cut the relationhip off; on the young woman who, because of her own mental issues, demanded I behave in a certain way towards her and then threw criticism and accusation at me; on the aggressive neighbour; the selfish colleague....
That grief should not be mine. Pride means that I demand they behave in a certain way - sounds familiar? Self-centredness takes other people's issues onto me, instead of my leaving those problems firmly outside the door of my heart.

I needed to repent of my pride. It doesn't matter (well, it does, but I'm dealing with it) what others have done: what matters primarily is my attitude.

So here I go: eating humble pie. Admitting that I've failed at fixing relationships. Agreeing with Jesus that I'm not as perfect with people as I think I am.

And I love this comparison of pride with grilled cheese, thanks to Kate at teachingwhatisgood:

" Grilled Cheese versus Pride

Cheese hidden sandwiched between 2 slices of bread; pride hidden sandwiched between our human frailty and our longing to be considered more than we are
An ancient food and popular across most cultures: an ancient struggle, beginning in The Garden and common to all cultures of man

A simple food; as simple as desiring to place yourself above God

Takes on many forms; shows itself in many forms

Called by different names in different cultures; the secular world calls it by many different names, most of which reject the sin aspect

Can be disguised by various additions or specialty items; can be hidden in our hearts and disguised as something good for our self worth

Must be swallowed to have nutritional benefit; must be swallowed to have character growth and personal maturity

Heat melts the cheese; heat brings out the full blown character flaws" 

I'm usually quick to spot perfectionism in others and am blind to it in myself, but this post has shown me an area in which I have a BIG problem with trying (and failing!) to be perfect.


Lisa asks if there are areas in which I've succeeded against perfectionism... well, I would have said being houseproud, but I've just spent a quite a bit of time spring cleaning. I would have said I didn't have too much of a problem, but Jesus is showing me all kinds of areas in which, when I lose control of a situation I find myself demanding perfection...so quite a work in progress. "The heart is deceitful above all things' - Jeremiah 17:9

Value

Hmmm - I didn't expect to be jotting down any thoughts this morning when, out of the blue, a verse thumped me. Hard.
A few minutes after I'd read a post from Holley Gerth about value, I turned to my daily reading.
Luke 16: 15.
"He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts.What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight."

And to think I always read this as just being about money. *sigh

Because of course it isn't. It IS about money and material possessions, but also about ownership and achievement. Position and progress. Rights and reputation. My whole life.

As I wrestle with bringing to an end a (formerly close and trusting) relationship - not my wish, this longing-for-reconciliation-and-healing-oriented-girl - I write and rewrite a (hopefully) healing email.

Would I like to receive these words? I ponder as I write, and wait, and revisit, and pray, and wait...wait to send my response and bring closure. Forgiveness and puzzlement and hurt and betrayal and love and desire-for-healing-whatever-that-might-look-like jostle in my heart.

As thoughts and feelings wrestle and scream, demanding my attention, I realise that my desire for other people's value has brought me pain.

The desire to receive value from my former friends.

Recognition.

Affirmation.

Approval.

Appreciation.

Support.

Acceptance.

Love.

Trust.

Reputation.

So as I struggle with feelings of disapproval, rejection, betrayal, criticism and denial of my worth, I realise that no amount of words or actions will heal my aching heart.

Because if I value any of the (very good, God-given) 'things' in my life above God, then they must be detestable in God's sight.

For he says:

"You are to worship no other gods before me—My presence is enough." Deuteronomy 5:7, The Voice.

No wonder that I am struggling. I am asking God to restore me when I am looking in the wrong place.

So I recognise my sin. I beg His forgiveness, so readily given in Jesus. I surrender my desires and look to Him.

Because He loves me. He gives me value. He is enough.

As Holley says: "dare to accept that what Jesus says about you is genuine–that you a treasure, of great worth, a woman with infinite value. No matter what anyone says. No matter what you’ve done. No matter how you feel.
It’s true."

I am precious in his sight, and that is all that really matters.

Wow.

Grace - Broken, Living, Grace

Grace. One of my 'words' to live by this year. My actual word was kindness, but I can't do that without doing and being and obeying Grace.

I remembered my 'word' afresh when reading Ed's blog recommendations this week, and was reminded of the beautifully evocative words of Ann Voskamp.
She's writing about abortion, but says:
"When we’re all about the best looking good instead of the broken living grace, some don’t think they can take the shame. Some take an appointment. We can shame a woman for getting pregnant and we can shame her for aborting that baby but it’s shame for sin that bullies into further sin and what if instead of shaming, we weren’t ashamed of the Gospel of extravagant Grace?"

The broken living grace.

Isn't it easy just to try to look good all the time? To hide faults and failures and mistakes and misdemeanours and just pretend pretend pretend I'm better than you? 

A couple of weeks ago a woman I know - in church - came to apologise - in church - for her distance/unfriendliness/offences. She'd realised there was an awkwardness between us.

I'd just thought she was being unfriendly.

I had stuffed the problem away, doing the 'vague friendly smile which doesn't mean anything but ticks the social box'. Pretending. Trying to Look Good as best I could instead of extending Living Grace from my Brokenness.

She hadn't meant to offend me.

I had been unfriendly too, in reaction. But as we talked, who knew who had offended first? The whole situation wasn't even 'about us', but had arisen out of other circumstances and difficulties. Our individual responses to those outside issues had coloured our inward selves and poisoned our relationship.

Misunderstandings, miscommunication... it might have become ugly.

She had the grace to approach me first.

Oh, the temptation. To say 'ohnothere'snothingwrong - youmustbeimaginingit'. To give in to that ever strong desire to hide behind the appearance of perfection.To let the pull of denial send her away quickly to feel bad about herself. 

I took courage to admit she was right. I acknowledged my fault. So did she.

We wiped clean a smeary teary slate.

Broken Living Grace.

And so we shamed sin (our unloving attitudes) and prevented it from bullying into further sin by choosing the Jesus way of honesty and forgiveness. Choosing grace.

Interestingly, today I have also read about love here from Max Lucado's Grace for the Moment, and from Devotionals Daily:

True Love Puts Others First

Love is patient, love is kind... It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. — 1 Corinthians 13:4–5... What is the opposite of love? It isn't hate (although it may take that form). The opposite of love is selfishness. When a husband and wife  (or, if I may add, two friends/acquaintances/colleagues/neighbours/church members) are concerned only about their own individual desires, the stage is set for conflict. The Bible gives us another way—the way of Christ. True love, it says, is self-giving, not self-seeking. True love puts the needs of others first. This is what Christ did when He left Heaven’s glory and came down to earth for us. Begin a new page in your marriage by asking Christ to become the center of your life—and your marriage. Questions for today: What is your response to "The opposite of love is selfishness"? In what ways can you make Christ the center today? We'd love to hear from you! Please share your thoughts in the comments section on our blog. ~ Devotionals Daily Best is Love. and Grace.

Moving on...

I've been greatly challenged recently by a relationship.  Tried my best to 'fix' it, continued to be as gracious and loving as I could - yet to no avail.
I know I cannot change anyone else's actions, thoughts, feelings.
I do know it.
Yet I live in hope. I find myself saying:'Maybe if I... this time perhaps she will...I wish...'
Nothing seems to change.
A friendship, dying for some time, now seems dead.
Then I read these wise words from Susan Lawrence, drawing the analogy of a transplanted tree which then died,:

"When have you tried to grow something where it doesn’t belong? If you’re like me, just about anything you plant doesn’t survive regardless of where you plant it, but think beyond plants…

When have you continued a relationship that’s unhealthy? Taken a job that drains you of your energy and talents? Committed to volunteer out of guilt instead of passion and service? Rationalized behavior or attitude you know isn’t appropriate?

We’re often planted in imperfect soil for a season, awaiting transplant. Isn’t that what life on earth is? It’s imperfect, and we make sacrifices. We deal with less than ideal situations at times…and yet we begin to feel at home where we’re only intended to temporarily live. Be careful of creating stubborn root systems in temporary soil.

Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times. Mark 4:8 (NCV)"

Trying to continue to 'grow' my dying relationship has to stop.
A lost friendship isn't something to mourn over. Nor are missed opportunities, past mistakes, difficult times.
Life is for living. Leave the past, move on in the present to the future.
Moving on.

Also on that theme, I was reminded of these useful tips for choosing how I spend my life - time, energy, emotion - by Karen Ehman. When Life is Too Loud for Quiet Time, People-Pleasing + Passivity - Overcommitment,  Activity or Eternity and finally and most usefully: What's a Too-Busy Gal To Do?


Here are nuggets of wisdom: 
Every need isn't necessarily your call.
Make it your policy to pause.
Walk away and don't look back.
Don't take on more than you can pray for.
Live your priorities.
Stop second-guessing yourself.

She quotes from Renee Swope's book A Confident Heart:

“I know all of life is screaming for your time, but instead of giving your divided attention to many good things, commit to setting aside time each week to walk through the process of finding God’s things for you. A confident-in-Christ woman wants to know who God created her to be.  She is comfortable saying “no” to some things so that she can say “yes” to living the life God wants her to live.  She is intentional and secure about pursuing the spiritual purpose God has for her.”

Doesn't that sound like moving on?

Straightening wires

Reading Max Lucado's wonderful little book 'Travelling Light for Mothers', based on Psalm 23, I read about 'wants'. Max reminds us that many of our 'wants' - a better job, a new house, a slimmer figure, perhaps children - or more children - are just that: wants. And he tells the story of a man who had 'lost everything' - yet he had not lost his faith, his character nor his salvation. 
I confess to having felt somewhat smug when I have read this list, or other similar lists in the past. I have no problem recognising material 'wants'. Yes, sometimes I battle with desiring more financial security, for myself or my children. Yes, I often battle with desiring a slimmer figure or more elegant furnishings. But I do recognise that they are just material 'wants' and pale into insigificance in the light of eternal things. I nod enthusiastically when I read what Jesus said: "Take care! Protect yourself against the least bit of greed. Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot." or hear Paul's declaration that 'godliness with contentment is great gain', as he warns about becoming obsessed with money.
Yet, I am greedy. Not particularly for financial or material things - that's mainly an ongoing battle which results from being 'in the world, but not of it'. But I am greedy for emotional 'things'.
I hanker after happiness
I crave approval..
I long for praise.

I desire peaceful relationships
I yearn for harmony

I want restored relationships
I want
I WANT!

Now, is this really necessary?  Must I have relationships that work, that are comfortable, in which there is very little or no conflict? 
The answer, in some ways, is no. I can survive if not all relationships are good and 'perfect'. I will still be able to eat, drink, sleep, work, pray...hmmm, pray...

Bent wires

The summer break has afforded me all kinds of opportunities to catch up. Some pleasurable - coffee with friends, lunches with friends, evenings with friends...Some necessary...doctor appointments, hair appointments, tidying appointments, sorting and throwing away appointments...And some - well, some that are both pleasurable and necessary in varying proportions.  Such as tiny mending chores, or restringing beads. Tightly wrapped bundles of frustration and satisfaction intertwined.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Is it REALLY necessary to mend the tiny holes in a pair of old gloves, when I could throw them away and buy another pair?  I find myself listing reason after reason:
1. Waste not, want not. Why spend money when, with a few stitches, they will last a little time longer as a 'spare pair' for when I have lost the others.
2. Growing up as a 'post-war-just-out-of-rationing-baby' has seeped frugality into my soul. I have to be frugal: it's my nature.
3. Decades of my life in Africa taught me not to throw away: the shame of consigning something perfectly serviceable to the garbage when it would be rescued, redeemed and recycled - many years before that became acceptable, let alone fashionable as it is now...
4. The mantra 'Reduce, reuse, repair and recycle'  is an inherent part of how I live...most stuff doesn't even make it as far as recycle. Just gets reused many times over in different forms before it is allowed to leave my ownership..
5. It's satisfying. It pleases me. In its own small way, mending and repairing things makes me happy. I'm in the business of redemption and restoration. Finishing a mending project puts a smile on my face.
So I mended gloves; repaired a string hammock (great for our camping trip later this month); kept a useful zip-up jacket in circulation with a few stitches to secure the zip; and customized a beloved cardigan into a little shrug. It had belonged to my grandmother, worn by me until my daughter pounced on it, loving it until the elbows wore through...some ribbon, a new hem, careful stitching... it's now hiding in her cupboard, waiting for her to come tomorrow.
Then I turned to different work with needle and thread. Favourite necklaces begged to be restrung, but it was the bracelet making that fascinated me. A scattered collection of colourful beads pleaded to be brought back to usefulness. Too few for necklaces, they gathered together in wrist-sized groups. A little stretchy elastic later, and I found myself with more beaded jewellery than a Rendille wife...It was fun.

But I put off the necklace repairs. Previously, I have struggled with a needle, the eye of which is so small as to be invisible if viewed in a poor light. (Or with middle-aged eyes, which is what mine reluctantly are.) But this time, I discovered a bead threader. A nifty little gadget, its design is so simple I'm amazed I haven't come across it before now. It has been my saviour in the process of necklace re-stringing. It is an ultra-thin piece of wire, doubled up on itself, and then twisted into a 'rope' with an eyelet on one end. Tease a piece of thread through the hole, then push the threader, cut ends first, through a bead and the thread follows. I repaired my necklaces in a matter of minutes.

That bead threader released me from the intense concentration needed to thread - and keep threaded - a needle. I had time to think. And so it was that while I was carefully threading nylon through tiny holes I started thinking about more important things than jewellery.

Relationships.

Because mending something physical is so much easier than attempting to mend a broken relationship. Even just thinking about it brings on a frown...

It was the bead threader's fault in more ways than one. Not only did it give me time to think, it showed me how relationships can go wonky at times. Because as I used that brilliant little piece of wire, I found that, like a relationship, I had to keep on working with it.  That wire was so thin and flexible that when I pushed it through a narrow bead it started to bend. I had to stop and straighten out the kinks before I could carry on using it.

Like a relationship, really. 

I noticed several things.  

I noticed that, when the bead hole was large, the bead threader had no issues with it. There was plenty of space for it to pass through, and so I didn't have to do anything except, occasionally, pat it and smooth it down.  The distance between the bead threader and the bead hole was so large that much could be forgiven. The sides of the hole and the threader barely touched.

Relationships don't usually go awry when I am not close to someone.

I noticed that, when the hole was narrow, the ends of the bead threader caught. I had to pull the threader out, straighten it firmly between fingers and thumb, and then try again. Sometimes I had to try a couple of times before I could thread the bead.

Relationships, when close, can cause difficulty.

I noticed that, just like the bead threader, relationships can become twisted and bent. They need a lot of work to straighten them out. It takes time and effort. Maybe a chat over coffee doesn't resolve an issue straight away. Maybe a lunch is needed, too. 

I noticed that sometimes that bead threader just didn't work. It wouldn't do what it was supposed to.

Relationships,like the bead threader, are sometimes not 'fit for purpose'.

So, I wondered, what is the 'purpose' of my relationships? And what does God want to do in and through those relationships - particularly when they are difficult?

To be continued

Forgiveness

Hmmm. I am astonished to see that, as yet, I have no posts on forgiveness.  Astonished because it's not as if I haven't had to practise - or receive - forgiveness!  I guess it just hasn't seemed important enough to blog about. Or I haven't wanted to approach that level of honesty here...

Yet Ayla has inspired me to be honest.  And Lysa has at Proverbs 31 Ministries offered some superb advice.

I wish I'd seen it a year or so ago.  Out of the blue, I received a long (several pages) email from a 'friend' - acquaintance would be unkind, as we had been in a Bible study group together.  (You would think that should unite us, wouldn't you?). The email was long, accusatory, furious.

The 'friend' had a history of mental illness - I hadn't seen her for some time: she had, apparently, recovered and was stable.  That made things more difficult since I couldn't, in all honesty, just put the email down to a 'blip' in her recovery.

As with all these things, there was a tiny grain of truth in a beachful of lies. I didn't know how to respond.

In the end, not knowing how ill she was, and not wanting to make things worse, I simply sent a short email, apologising for having (apparently) hurt her. Dropped a card and flowers on her doorstep.  Deleted the email. Tried to put it all behind me.

It was a salutary experience. It opened my eyes to the demands of perfectionism - in this woman, and in myself.

It's quite hard to be reminded that my relationships are not perfect. That I am not universally perceived as being 'nice'. That there are relationships in my life that are not happy, nor satisfying. That I fail. For that, I need to forgive myself, too.

God has shone his light on this area of my life to remind me that the bad news is that I am NOT perfect. And the good news? He's not finished with me yet!  Hallelujah!

And here is some more encouragement from Lysa Terkeust on keeping the peace, too...

This situation is a constant challenge: to practise forgiveness, to extend grace, to BE as nearly like Jesus as I can get. I have to renew my attitude daily, continue to extend love in my heart and practice what I preach: forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.

Friends

I read quite a few blogs, when I have time. Mainly Christian ones, and mainly those written by women. Not by any deliberate choice, it's just that I've discovered a few of them through blog referrals (actually, how else would I discover blogs? I certainly don't have time to sit and trawl blogger or wordpress for interesting blogs to read. Usually.)

Anyway, there is a great reflection by Renee Swope on longing for friendship. On how often she checks emails to see if her friends have written, and on how little time she has spent recently on maintaining friendships.

I identify with that.  I love meeting with friends: it is, literally, meat and bread to me.
I'm energized - not least, when I know they are coming round, to have a quick catch-up on the house cleaning. I'm not super-houseproud, but that's another story. Suffice to say, that a quick catch-up is all my house can hope for at the best of times.
I'm energized if I'm going out to meet them - I whizz through the chores. 
And I'm energized by being with them, spurred on to 'good works' or to pursuing some interest I had let lapse, or discovering something new to get excited about. This week I've delved into history, exercised more and caught up on school work, all on the back of one conversation. Can't be bad.

Though I spent time with very close friends all weekend, invited colleagues round for coffee and cake on Monday, spent quality time with my best friend (who is also my husband) on Tuesday and have invited friends from our Bible study home group to supper on Thursday, I still crave to connect.  So I've been challenged by Renee. Challenged to REconnect with a friend whose friendship seems to have lapsed.

I'll send that email. Right now.

Friendship - with a sigh...

Friends.
Once upon a time, when I was younger, just out of school, making friends without a second's thought, keeping them with long chats, letters, smiles and laughter, I thought friends were for keeping. For ever and happily ever after.
I wish.
(On the other hand...my relationships would not be the same. We would be 'facebook' friends who never have time to meet face to face or word to word save for the odd one-liner. Time does not expand to accommodate all the relationships we have.)
Yet now, in the middle of the story of my life, I still know that friends are for keeping.
Some of them.
Some are for losing - natural wastage - as I move from on situation to another. From workplace to workplace they fade away; from one stage in life to another, they move on; from one life focus to new direction, as interests wax and wane - they wave their quiet farewells. Usually, I send them on their way, rejoicing that I have known them, however short the duration of our acquaintance.
I now know that friends are for a season. Seasons of time, seasons of place, seasons of interest, seasons of life circumstances.
I keep those friends for ever and happily ever after in my memory, my thoughts, my smiles, my laughter. Though the friends are no longer part of my life, I cherish the times we had together.
Loyalty and faithfulness, to state the obvious, are gifts I am glad to have.
Yet sometimes it doesn't happen like that. Some friends do not lose their immediacy.
Because some friendships survive the removal times. They survive the change of house, neighbourhood, school, work, exercise class, book group...(even that). They survive through letters, emails, Christmas cards, maybe even the occasional brief phone call, snatched meetings - maybe even once every ten years.
These friends - heart friends, beneath the skin friends, joined at the hip friends - are ever lasting, happily ever after, for all eternity friends.
Often, usually, predominantly, friends of the faith. Fellow Christians. For these are friends who are closer than a brother (or sister).
So what is hard, doubly hard at the moment, is when friendships that I thought were solid, true, close, supportive, caring, loving, almost perfect...when these friendships do not survive a change of church.
The change was not for any wrong reasons. No, it was not because we had become dissatisfied with the worship (it's not for us anyway), nor the preaching (my responsibility is to HEAR properly, not criticize those who speak the words God gives them), nor even bad relationships. It was simply a response to God's call, so, reluctantly, we moved. Perhaps for a season - we might be back. We don't know.
It's a hard move.
So it's been a shock when I return to visit - which I do regularly - and become invisible. Those brothers and sisters seem to have forgotten that I am part of the family. Their lives have moved on, without me.
That's a shock, but it's inevitable. I can cope with that. I realise that not everyone uses the same industrial strength friendship glue as I do. Their loyalties lie in other directions.
No, what hurts is the friend I'd thought was a 'keeping friend'.  The friend I drank coffee with, walked with, laughed with, cried with, prayed with, the friend I thought loved me.
The friend who, busy with her life, almost acts as if I am ignoring her because I do not meet her at church any more.
Yet I long for her support, her acceptance of my move, her love.
We're still friends, but it's not the same, There is a new tension. She says things which make me feel unwelcome around her. She is irritated with some of my new friends. She doesn't text or call.
So what now?
I have always believed that god standard - better than gold standard - friendships reach a level of intensity that is make or break. The godly response is to make. It takes two.
Watch this space. And read this blog post over at incourage.. .

Broken Relationships

I was pondering the problem of broken or strained relationships recently, and how, though Christian blogs are tremendously encouraging on personal development, inner spiritual life, and so one, I haven’t come across much help on what to do about Relationships.  And I’m not talking dating, either. No, just the difficulties with family, friends, colleagues, the neighbours… don’t tell me you don’t have problems, because we all do. I know it’s not just me.  And I think there are several reasons for that.
One is that if we live authentically, showing the ‘real me’ rather than the ‘polite’ one, then sooner or later someone is going to object to some aspect of that ‘real me’ – and possibly, even the ‘polite’ me too: there is no pleasing all of the people all of the time. Then the problems start.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to fix those. Because I can do all the ‘right’ things: like ignoring the problem and waiting for the difficulties to blow over. That works sometimes, others it doesn’t. Or I can try to gently confront the issue – wow, do some folks get upset!  For all kinds of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.  Or can I eat humble pie – and that can either solve the problem beautifully or lay the foundation for a road full of trouble.  It’s really difficult, because, in relationships, there is no ‘whoops, that approach didn’t work, let’s try another one’. At least,  of course you have to do that, but you also have to fix the problem that was created by the ‘wrong’ approach, and then the new approach might not work either, and then…. well, the potential for trouble is exponential.
So I realised that, ultimately, it’s all down to me and my attitude. I need to know who I am in Christ, beloved, secure. Trust  in Christ’s ability to bring healing into the situation. And let the other be whoever they are. I can’t demand a particular response. I can only do what I believe to be best, but I am not responsible for their attitudes or behaviour.
Hmmm. I might need to put that up in LARGE letters on my fridge.