Ponderings on grief

The shock of Stan’s sudden passing has stayed with me and, it seems, almost intensified. I find myself more teary, more upset and more unable to talk about it. 

This morning, in church, I was in pieces afterwards. We sang an old hymn, reminding me of an incident with Stan and Tami in Africa Gospel Church we attended together all those years ago. Sharing a hymn book, I saw Tami smile at Stan – and of course he smiled back, with that wonderful kind grin he had – as they sang together. Now they can do that no longer.

And I just wonder how Tami is feeling. Unimaginable: for I must feel only a fraction of the grief. Surely she must wish to be with him.

The world was a better place with Stan Brown in it. Fortunate is heaven, now, to have him. His body may have entered the decay process, but his soul continues on forever.

Just don’t ask me how I am. I will probably not be able to choke out a reply.

Sabbath

In the aftermath of the devastating news of Stan's early death, I am drawn to practising Sabbath rest more intentionally than I have, perhaps, done before.

Sabbath. How did I enjoy it?

I went to church, joining with the fellowship of believers in painful praise, my heart sick with sorrow at the same time. 

I reconnected with old friends in meaningful conversations both face to face and by email. 

I lay in front of a log fire, basking in its warmth. 

I wrestled - still wrestle - with questions of meaning and purpose, wondering what my next life step might be and how I can be fruitful. 

I tidy a little, clear a little clutter, organise and plan. 

I create a web listing, wanting to host strangers, engaging with what this might look like. I dream, and plan, and dream. 

I delight in my granddaughter’s amazing prowess: has there have been such a curious, funny, imaginative, creative and adventurous little girl? Yes, of course: her mother, my daughter. 

I thank God for the wonders of the internet: Skype, Instagram, electronic photos and videos…

And I prayed. I prayed comfort and consolation for my dear friend Tami and family who have lost our dear Stan. The world was a better place with him in it and now there is a gaping hole.

Sabbath. A good day. Let me create moments of Sabbath, as I do now, in my every day.