Relationships: accepting responsibility, accepting oneself, accepting circumstances....

Reading an excellent post by Jennifer Dukes Lee on when relationships turn toxic, I was confronted with some difficult questions. As she talks about three possible responses when relationships turn sour, my heart floods with unwelcome thoughts.

She says: "...even now, there are times when I feel thirteen on the inside, standing outside the door. Even now, I occasionally struggle with relationships that move from good to bad.

I’m learning that in situations like these, I need to pause and take a sober assessment of my choices before I move forward. Imagine those choices as three wooden doors, marked with signs that read: Toward, Onward, Inward."

Toward. "When we open the Toward Door, we “move toward” the person. We’ve determined that the relationship has value and we will attempt to restore it, pinpoint the problem, admit our own shortcomings, offer grace where needed, and grow in the process. While opening this door can be painful, the Toward Door gives us an opportunity to show compassion, and perhaps open a path toward the healing of another soul."

Indeed. This approach declares the value of the relationship, offers the other a chance of restoration, gives the gift of affirmation. It is hard and painful but offers acceptance, not rejection. Lisa-Jo Baker has written a book called 'Never Unfriended', referring to the easy way we can close off relationships on social media with the swipe of a finger.

Now Holley Gerth has also brought out a book on how to Live Fully, Love Bravely. And, well, I've only read the first chapter, where she talks so beautifully about being vulnerable (oh, what a buzz word, @BreneBrown!) in moving towards restoring a broken relationship... and how difficult yet positive this is when we dare to be brave.... I love it, subscribe wholeheartedly to it, and yet....

My questions: What happens if the other person is determined not to pursue relationship? What happens if THEY decide to cut me off? How will I feel? How will I handle the termination of a friendship which I had considered valuable enough to risk myself for? How do I accept that the other person does not consider ME valuable enough to restore relationship with...?

I haven't read the book. Perhaps I need to....

Then there is Onward. Relinquishing a relationship which has become toxic and unsafe. 

1 Corinthians 15:33 quotes a Greek poet who says:  “Bad company corrupts good character.” An encouragement, perhaps, to move away from a relationship which will cause me harm, hinder my walk with God and cause me more anguish than have a positive effect on my life.

But my questions: What if I am someone who has become toxic to a friend, perhaps - often - because of their own insecurity or low self-esteem? How do I handle the rejection inherent in a relationship which has gone awry? How do I accept the effect I have had on other people without it damaging my own soul? Do I have the courage to face up to and accept my own responsibility in the relationship?

And finally: Inward. Jennifer says: "We turn inward, allowing difficult people to linger on the forefront or fringes of our minds, long after they’ve moved on. I’ve walked through the Inward Door in the past, and I know firsthand how it made me spiritually sick to constantly replay conversations and nurse old wounds.
Introspection is helpful, but if you walk through the Inward Door, don’t stay here too long. If you stay inside the Inward Door, a wise mentor once told me, “You let people live rent-free in your head.”

And my questions: How do I stop this happening? How can I move my thoughts on, leave the relationship and move on, away from the hurt and pain? Do I know what I have to learn from this? Even if it is just to trust God more and people less: how do I do that? 

There we are. A great tool - thanks, Jennifer.  And some good questions. Lots of thinking to do....