Huh?

After blogging about a minor difficulty which turned into a major personal crisis - God getting my attention - I came across Psalm 118:6 as part of my Good Morning Girls study:
"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"
Hmmm... my whole conversation the day before had been about a tricky relationship and my fear of confrontation and of opening cans of worms and more unpleasantness and more fear.... etc etc.
I gradually recognised that I was under severe spiritual attack. In a few days time, I will gather with a group of friends for a 'time out' morning with God. I will share a few thoughts, as I do for breakfast once a month, then we will have quiet time on our own.
I've never organised anything like this before, so it's a bit scary.

I'm starting our reflection with verse 19 from Psalm 18: “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
We are setting time aside to be in a ‘spacious place’ - sparked by Alie Stibbe's great book of the same name - at a beautiful local retreat centre. Just meeting together to listen to God in a quiet place.

Yesterday, I only managed to read the one verse in the Good Morning Girls study which we were to concentrate on with the SOAP method: Scripture, Observation, Application and Prayer. Today, I caught up with the whole reading, and the memory verse. Guess what it happened to be? 

Yes, it was "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid."

So, as I feel 'hard pressed' I need to remember Whose I am and what He has called me to do. 

I need to remember He loves me and that is what matters above all else. 

I need to remember that, because of His love, all I need to do is LOVE HIM BACK.

I need to remember that, though I am in a battle, the LORD is with me; I will NOT be afraid.

I haven't enjoyed the last couple of days: yet I am thankful that the Lord has hung on to me tightly, brought me back from the cliff edge and given me hope.

for in a mirror dimly March 29th 2013

 I was able to guest post a couple of months ago over at inamirrordimly...

"Micah 6:8 is a constant challenge. To do justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly. Boy, that’s a tall order.

I know I don’t walk humbly when my hackles rise anytime someone corrects me.

I know I don’t ‘love’ mercy. I’m too big on ‘fairness’ to be as merciful as I would like to be. I’m a teacher, big on ‘consequences’ and ‘fair play’. After all, if you let kids off a punishment, how will they learn? I’m trying to ‘love mercy’ more, though. I try to be kind, really kind, more than I used to. So there is some hope there for a Better Me.

But I know I don’t ‘do’ justly when it comes to being more involved. I don’t march in protest against injustice. I don’t write letters for Amnesty International. I’m not even involved with our local, for very low-key offenders, prison.

Yet, there IS one thing I do.

Many years ago – pre-best friend boyfriend, pre-fiance, pre-husband, pre-children – I volunteered as a teacher in western Kenya.

Because it didn’t seem ‘just, right or fair’ that I, born in the privileged West to comfortably off (albeit still at times slightly struggling) middle-class parents, should have so much.

So much (relatively speaking) money.

So many opportunities.

So much education.

So I signed up as a volunteer, working in a run-down local school, earning a local teacher’s salary.

It was enough to put food on the table and, with careful housekeeping, afford travel on the (very cheap but dangerous) public transport to visit other volunteers and rent a small house (read ‘run down cottage’) at the coast for a week’s holiday. I felt it was ‘fair’ – on a par with the other, local, teachers. Like the young Francis of Assissi, I was aware of my privileged upbringing but at least, for a time, I earned just the same as my colleagues.

I did my best to help the students I taught to climb up the education ladder. To share what I had been given with those who hadn’t had the same opportunities, who life had treated more unfairly. I did my best to ‘do justly’.

Then I met my soon-to-be husband. We married. We carried on living in Kenya. Amid gross injustice, where so many were hungry and thirsty; homeless; sick, unable to afford good medical care; lacking in clothes – and education.

Oh, how I tried to ‘do justly’ without becoming a patronising, bottomless purse. I rarely gave money to the people who came to my gate EVERY DAY, asking for handouts. I offered work – usually refused. (In the first year in a new house on a busy road in the city, TWO people accepted the simple jobs – a couple of hours work – I offered for a day’s pay. And one of those was drunk. The other, an elderly lady, then accepted a permanent job, staying a couple of years.)

I tried to treat the people who worked for us fairly. I think I succeeded. (Our housekeeper cried inconsolably when we left and she is still a good friend. I bless God for the creativity of those clever minds which invented email and mobile phones.)

But then we moved back to the West. To a ‘fair’ society. Where justice was usually done – or seen to be done. Where material needs, at least, were fewer.

‘Doing justly’ became different. I translated it to treating my own children fairly. To being a ‘fair’ teacher, not having favourites among the children in my class. To being friends with all my colleagues, regardless of where they were in the pecking order: I treated the caretaker and cleaners the same as the head. To being ‘fair’ and honest in all my dealings with others.

It wasn’t enough.

Then I met Sue. A doctor. She had volunteered in Tanzania for a couple of months and then, just ten years ago, started a fund to help AIDS widows and orphans.

She started caring for one child.

Now she is responsible for more than twenty thousand children, nearly seven thousand of them in secondary school. Children getting life changing chances. Getting justice – because it is not just, or fair, or right, that they should be denied education because of an accident of birth. As Sue says: “There is a mountain of injustice which sees these children dressed in rags...their only set of clothes, unable to access education, drinking dirty water and too often going to their rest at night having had no food that day: when we think of the very different way children live in our countries and how much waste we throw away, when they have nothing, we become very aware of the injustice that is disabling these children. “

Feeding, clothing and sending so many children to school takes a lot of faith. And money.

So I do my little bit for justice.

I persuaded the school I teach in to ‘adopt’ the fund as their school charity. I organise fundraising events, encouraging the children to consider how they can help other children who do not have the same privileges.

The money we raise has built houses, fed and clothed and sent many children to school. We have ‘done justly’.

It’s not enough. It can never be enough. But it is what we do."

I pray that I may have eyes opened and a heart willing to do more.

For more inspiration, go to http://www.40acts.org.uk/ for many ideas about doing justly by living generously.

How valuable are you? Thoughts for a May breakfast...

I've been thinking about value  a lot recently. Wondering what I value and if it is in line with what God values.

Value. The dictionary says that, apart from the monetary connotations, it means "to consider with respect to worth, excellence, usefulness, or importance; to regard or esteem highly: for example, He values her friendship."

Value implies intrinsic excellence or desirability. Value is "that quality of anything which renders it desirable or useful: e.g.,  the value of sunlight or good books."  It is about things - or people - we  prize and appreciate.
Value is about things we WANT.

Luke 16: 15 says: “... God knows your hearts.What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight."
I always read this as just being about money - which is the context - but there is always deeper meaning hidden in Jesus' words.

Because this passage IS about money and material possessions, but also about
ownership and achievement.
Position and progress.
Rights and reputation.
The whole of life.

The Message explains that we value appearance - what things look like on the outside.
"When the Pharisees, a money-obsessed bunch, heard him say these things, they rolled their eyes, dismissing him as hopelessly out of touch. So Jesus spoke to them: “You are masters at making yourselves look good in front of others, but God knows what’s behind the appearance.
What society sees and calls monumental,
God sees through and calls monstrous."

Jesus' words would have sparked recognition of God's words to Samuel, when he was choosing a king to succeed Saul; "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

Which of these do you think we tend to value most? Can you put them in order of most important? Any others?

Money
Job status
Marital status

Home

'Toys' - cars, boats, furnishings
Children
Children's achievements
Dress, fashion
Facial appearance

Status in the community
Recognition.
Affirmation.
Approval.
Appreciation.
Support.
Acceptance.
Love.
Trust.
Reputation.

Self-esteem

Self-worth.

These are all good things - but we are not to put more value on them than we ascribe to God. Nor should we value them above the things the Holy Spirit says are important: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22 - 23); wise counsel, clear understanding, simple trust, healing the sick, miraculous acts, proclamation,  distinguishing between spirits, tongues and interpretation of tongues (1 Corinthians 12:7 - 10, The Message)

But the bottom line is, that as we appreciate the value of what God has given us in Jesus - his life, his words, his love, his death - we dare to believe that we are of huge worth. God has sacrificed everything to find every one of us, however 'worthless' in the eyes of society. He tells stories of single sheep searched for, a coin discovered and a son restored to his family to show how much he values us.

"The Lord looks at the heart." Let our hearts look to Him and seek His values. Not ours. 

Courageous choices

Quoting Thought for the Day by Lysa Terkeust over at Faith Gateway: "Making a courageous choice means walking on the path of discipline in the area of our food choices. It’s coming to the realization that changes need to be made — and making those changes in the quietness of the pantry, when no one else is looking.

You see, there are two kinds of courage. There’s the courageous act, which is what makes our heart beat fast when the knight fights the dragon or the firefighter rushes into the burning building. These are extreme events most of us won’t ever face. And because most of us aren’t put in positions to participate in a courageous act, we don’t necessarily think of ourselves as courageous.

But there’s a second kind of courage that is widely available but not widely embraced. It’s the courageous choice. This is the decision to do the right thing even when it’s unpopular, uncelebrated, and probably even unnoticed.

The right thing is to make healthier choices for ourselves. The right thing is to satisfy our deepest needs with God, not food. It’s the choice to walk willingly on the path of discipline in the area of our food choices. It’s coming to the realization that changes need to be made — and making those changes in the quietness of the pantry, when no one else is looking.

It’s respecting ourselves enough to be courageous for us.

It is possible to quiet the battle in your mind. It is possible to make the courageous choice. It is possible to stand in that pantry and declare you were made to consume food but food was never meant to consume you. It is possible to consume only that which will add to your health and not take away from it. It is possible.

So make that choice. And then make it again. And then make it again."

So as I struggle with forgiveness and fear and letting go, I need to remember to make courageous choices. I need to remember not to worry so much about being wise as to trust God.

Let.It.Go

After a series of minor yet unfortunate events yesterday, and conversations around fear, and forgiveness, and trust, and betrayal, and needs and wants...so far, in the first few minutes of today, I have received:
 and...
"sometimes God asks me to do something that seems just as impossible. That happens when He leads me into the harder parts of my faith.That looks different for all of us, but for me it was to forgive those who had hurt me in my past. God was nudging me to soar, but in order to do that I had to let go and trust that He knew what was ahead)." (Suzie Eller, writing for Proverbs 31 Ministries.

On Saturday I will be speaking about forgiveness. And forgiving myself. Suzie again: she talks about how it 
is not our job to forgive ourselves:
"Yes, we confess that sin.
Yes, we make peace with others, as far as it is possible.
But accepting His forgiveness allows you to live fully in today. Your sin is reframed through His grace, and you are free to discover what God has for you today.
Print this out (click for printable) and place it on your bathroom mirror, or in your Bible, or on the refrigerator.
Read it out loud daily until it feels like truth inside of your heart.
When you look in the mirror, say these words: I am forgiven.
Let that forgiveness propel you discover what it means to live free and filled with Him."

And yet...

The comments on Suzie's blog about forgiving ourselves are really helpful:

Kristen says: "I had an issue 8 months ago where I was hurt very badly by someone. I was so angry and resentful that I could not get it out of my mind. I even dreamed about it for months. I couldn’t focus on projects that I wanted to complete, which was odd for me. It was like I was consumed. I worked with a life coach who helped me to realize that I was in spiritual warfare and this unforgiveness had become a stronghold. She advised me to pray for the person that I needed to forgive whenever I had the negative thoughts. I was amazed that it actually worked! I truly feel set free. God is amazing! One thing that Suzie says in her book is that Christ sets us free from the bondage of our sin AND the sin of others. The person who offended me may never apologize, but God has set me free from her sin."

This is really helpful. Remembering – and finding the strength – to pray for the person who has hurt us is so hard and liberating and freeing all at once. We are indeed in a battle.

Mandy Young says:
 "God will only give you what you can handle,
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,
When you start to doubt that’s when God gives you more (faith) to prove that you can get through it."

'Anything' begins...

Starting the Good Morning Girls summer study with a selection of Bible verses each week and chapters of Jennie Allen's book 'Anything'.
Today was John 8:1 - 11 - the woman caught in adultery.  And as I read these familiar verses, I wonder... why did Jesus write in the dirt?  Why did he use his finger? What was he trying to do? Buying time? Ignoring them, hoping they'd go away?
And don't you marvel at his grace and forgiveness and lack of condemnation for this woman who had nearly lost her life.  I wonder...what happened to her next? Where did she go? Back to a life of condemnation by others, or did she become a changed person?  If Jesus told her to 'sin no more' then perhaps there was no choice about it - his love compelled her to obey.  I wonder...

What's going on?

I am in tears as I write.

A few words: 1 Tim 6:17: "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."

But it is not the words themselves that made me cry.

It is that they appeared at the bottom of a sweet little blog post from one of these women who live beautiful lives in lovely homes.

No, not jealous. Just admiring of someone with better taste than I have who lives in a part of the world which affords elegant living space.

Melissa writes of finding "the balance between enjoying and living with what we love and having so much stuff that we can’t care for or appreciate what we already have." She reminds that "God provides wonderful things in life for our enjoyment and we can find delight in living with His gifts and reminders of His own creative example....I want to embrace a beautiful life, whatever that might look like in this season of life, as a gift from God.
Amidst the trials or struggles we have faced or will undoubtedly face down the road, it is the beautiful things that should remind us that He is good, all the time.
And best of all, beautiful things we find around us now can be a glimpse of the even more beautiful life in store for us when we place our hope in Him."

She tagged her post home, imperfection but actually it is really about appreciation and thankfulness.

So why do I cry?

I cry because the day before - a few hours, in the evening before - this post arrived in my mailbox, we memorised "I will not trust in my riches, but in God who so richly provides": Andy Stanley's take on  "not to...put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us"  We're listening to a series of his on...1 Timothy 6.

And no, it is NOT the words - though I suspect they will be with me all my life, as I strive to put my trust COMPLETELY in God. My tears are in gratitude to a God who shows he loves me by taking any opportunity to talk to me - over and over again - through His Word.

Value

Hmmm - I didn't expect to be jotting down any thoughts this morning when, out of the blue, a verse thumped me. Hard.
A few minutes after I'd read a post from Holley Gerth about value, I turned to my daily reading.
Luke 16: 15.
"He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts.What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight."

And to think I always read this as just being about money. *sigh

Because of course it isn't. It IS about money and material possessions, but also about ownership and achievement. Position and progress. Rights and reputation. My whole life.

As I wrestle with bringing to an end a (formerly close and trusting) relationship - not my wish, this longing-for-reconciliation-and-healing-oriented-girl - I write and rewrite a (hopefully) healing email.

Would I like to receive these words? I ponder as I write, and wait, and revisit, and pray, and wait...wait to send my response and bring closure. Forgiveness and puzzlement and hurt and betrayal and love and desire-for-healing-whatever-that-might-look-like jostle in my heart.

As thoughts and feelings wrestle and scream, demanding my attention, I realise that my desire for other people's value has brought me pain.

The desire to receive value from my former friends.

Recognition.

Affirmation.

Approval.

Appreciation.

Support.

Acceptance.

Love.

Trust.

Reputation.

So as I struggle with feelings of disapproval, rejection, betrayal, criticism and denial of my worth, I realise that no amount of words or actions will heal my aching heart.

Because if I value any of the (very good, God-given) 'things' in my life above God, then they must be detestable in God's sight.

For he says:

"You are to worship no other gods before me—My presence is enough." Deuteronomy 5:7, The Voice.

No wonder that I am struggling. I am asking God to restore me when I am looking in the wrong place.

So I recognise my sin. I beg His forgiveness, so readily given in Jesus. I surrender my desires and look to Him.

Because He loves me. He gives me value. He is enough.

As Holley says: "dare to accept that what Jesus says about you is genuine–that you a treasure, of great worth, a woman with infinite value. No matter what anyone says. No matter what you’ve done. No matter how you feel.
It’s true."

I am precious in his sight, and that is all that really matters.

Wow.

Isaiah 35

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
    the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the Lord,
    the splendor of our God.

 Strengthen the feeble hands,
    steady the knees that give way;
 say to those with fearful hearts,
    “Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
    he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
    he will come to save you.”

 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
    and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
    and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
    and streams in the desert.
 The burning sand will become a pool,
    the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
    grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

 And a highway will be there;
    it will be called the Way of Holiness;
    it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
    wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
    nor any ravenous beast;
    they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
     and those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
    everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
    and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

New Wine Rewind...

New Wine Guernsey last weekend, longed-for and looked-forward to. A weekend of worship and teaching and renewal. Bliss.
Everyone's experience is different. Some liked one speaker more than another. Some would have preferred more 'old' songs, some wanted still more new ones. Some wouldn't have gone forward for prayer even if wild horses had dragged them (in which case, surely they would? How could you resist?) while others leapt at every prayer ministry opportunity.
I imagine that we all took something different away from the weekend, too.
This was what stayed in my heart:
Not my strength.
Emily Freeman, in Chatting at the Sky, says: It seems to me when I finally recognize my inability is when Christ shows up able within me.
The theme of the weekend was Power from on High.
How often do we subscribe to this, saying something like: "Yes, God, send more of your spirit, more power, Lord...etc etc."
And how often do we add, subconsciously, unaware: "...to add to my already quite impressive self - MY strengths and capabilities."
We think God is in the business of topping up an almost full jar instead of filling to overflowing an empty one.
Ha.
We avoid emptiness, because emptiness is an unpleasant feeling.

During the weekend, there was much emphasis on unity. Unity dependent on good relationships, friendship, godly affection. Agreed.
There was talk of receiving the power of the Holy Spirit: of faith, expectation. Oh yes.

In the middle of this, a few verses and thoughts slipped in, dominating my soul, then and now.

THIRSTY. "“If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says.” (He said this in regard to the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were about to receive." John 7:37 - 39

HELPED. "I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can’t take him in because it doesn’t have eyes to see him, doesn’t know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!" John 14:16 - 17
I remembered some old truths:
THE HOLY SPIRIT IS A GENTLEMAN. There is no forced take over;  no sweeping away - unless I ask for it with a truly humble spirit; no invasion of my jealously guarded privacy.
THERE HAS TO BE ROOM FOR ANOTHER PERSON IN MY LIFE. If my life is just full of 'me', how can there be room for Him? The more preoccupied I am with myself, my thoughts, my desires, my demands, the less I am available to the Holy Spirit.

WEAK. As I pondered the loads I carry which the Helper could help me bear - work attitudes, relationship problems, future worries - I realised that I had been ignoring the Spirit's help and struggling on in my own strength.
Ridiculous. How can I even think about living out Jesus' example in my own strength? The demands of being a disciple are simply too big too accomplish on my own. If the first friends of Jesus struggled before the Holy Spirit came in power, then I shouldn't even think of trying it.
"... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26) Or, as the Message puts it: "He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves..."

As the speaker reminded us of the work of the Spirit: the power of God - I realised how foolish  I am to do anything in my own strength. I need help beyond myself - for physical healing, for broken relationships, for forgiveness, for living...

And as I live with tension - aiming for the perfection of the Kingdom while living in the problems of the present - I need to remember that I CAN'T live this life well in my own strength, but only when I am humble enough to admit my need, come to Jesus and ask for God's power and peace.

Because, if we STAY HUMBLE and HUNGRY, there isn't anything God can't do through us.

As Peter says: "Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing." (1 Peter 3:8 - 9, The Message)

NOT DIFFICULT - IN HIS, NOT MY, STRENGTH.