Ponderings

I look at the blog posts I have written, and wonder about myself. I wonder how I can write about truth, write truth, when I am stumbling in the dark.

On days like this, I am not even sure that God loves me.

I know He says He loves me, but I know I am not worthy. Then I feel ashamed, embarrassed even, at denying what Jesus did with his terrible death. I know he died for me, and in some way, denying the application of his death to my life, I try to diminish it.

Oh miserable woman that I am, who can save me from myself?  "It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge..."

Those parts of me are named Insecurity, Fear, Doubt, Shame, Embarrassment, Hate, Envy...

"I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?"

"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:25)

However, as the next verse says: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death."

All that is left for me is to banish pride, accept humility and walk humbly with my God. To become like a little child again, starting off anew...